If you're going through hell, keep on Going

T minus 3 days till Chemo infusion 3. The half way mark. Hell. Great. Ok no more one word sentences, that shit is tacky! Fatigue is really just a fancy word that translates into too tired to do any damn thang. And by any damn thang I mean not a damn thing! I'm so sleepy I fall asleep like a 90 year old. One second I'm sitting on the couch watching the best Bravo has to offer, and the next minute I'm walking up wondering what the hell just happened. It. Really. Sucks. Most people are like "can you take anything?" As a matter of fact, I could do lines of coke off of my toilet (since I'm down there anyway) to keep my energy up, or that stupid tea or pill you're going to tell me to try! THINK BEFORE YOU TALK PEOPLE! But no, I can't take anything for energy. The only supplements I can really take are vitamin C and probiotics. That's it. Everything else is not sanctioned (ha!) by my team so unfortunately I can't try your gimmicky pitch. But I'm sure it works!

Cowboys won today. WHAT WHAT!

Ahem, let me clear my froat. I am not bald, I am not bald. I am not bald.

Big ups to the Lloyd fam who swung by to cheer me up and for the gift card. The day before chemo I aways go get provisions and I can't wait to pick up my organic goodies! I absolutely, positively, LOVE y'all and Aaron is baby of the YEAR!

So I'd like to talk a little bit about my current situation. I know some people are a little confused. You read things in magazines and see things on tv and there are a lot of things out there that just cause people to make stupid ass comments to me and I can't TAKE IT ANYMORE! I was talking about it with my girl X-tina the other day and I feel as if I am duty bound to share this with the world.

When I was initially diagnosed I was given two different options for treatment.
1. 10 straight weeks of radiation followed by a lumpectomy and possible more radiation. Then 4 times a year PET scans for like...eva. Dense breast tissue= no guarantee of catching it, should it decide to come back.

2. 6 rounds of hell fire chemo and a double mastectomy (or single) and checkups 4 times a year, then three times, then once. Shoot to cure as my ONC says.

Best chance for survival option 2. Better chance of survival, double mastectomy with option 2.

So there you have it. Notice what you didn't see in the numerated points. No mention of pills. None. I AM NOT A CANDIDATE, NOR WILL I EVER BE A CANDIDATE FOR CHEMO PILLS FOR TREATMENT. Just because some trendy bitch on whatever show you watch is poppin' pills for her cancer DOES FUCKIN' NOT mean I get to do it. The lucky bitches that pop the pills don't have the aggressive shit. Those of us with the aggressive shit have to go through hell to survive. This is not elective. I'm not doing this to be cool. I'm doing this to survive. I'm not cutting off my tits as a preventative. I'm cutting off my tits because I want to survive. When you want to survive you get to go through HELL. The puking, the shitting, the bleeding out the ass, the dropping out of the hair, the burning when I pee or puke or eat or even breathe,,the lack of immune system, the fatigue, the dry mouth, the bleeding gums, the cracked lips, the messed up taste buds, the burned esophagus, the inability to hold down water, ice, or anything of nutritional value. The begging, and I mean BEGGING at 4:30 am to God to come down from high to help you through this. The crying to the husband because you don't know if you want to do it anymore, and your tired, and you have 4 more rounds to go. Hopefully I get out "before the devil even knows I'm there."

Your body, for lack of a better term, gets bludgeoned within an inch of it's life. Each infusion tears your body down to nothing. The further you go into the chemo treatment process, the less and less your body recuperates. What does this mean? After each session the number of "good days" get less and less and the number of "inferno" days gets more and more. Doesn't that sound great? So next time you open your mouth to a person going through chemo I need you to think of what you say. Someone going through hell really.....really doesn't want to hear any of your Tom Foolery. After my conversion by fire I get.....TO HAVE SURGERY! Most importantly though, I get to live.

And that's all I have to say about that Felicia!

Thanks for errythang Wubs! You're the best!

MAC n' Boobs

Tis the season to half ass decorate your home!

Ok, so lets cut straight to the chase bitches.

1. I have no brows
2. My lashes are thin
3. I'm shedding hair....from my head along my left hairline probably a one inch section by my ear is gone and two inches in length and a couple millimeters in width have receded (MORE LIKE FALLEN OUT).

I am not bald I am not bald I am not bald. I need to repeat this, because I should have been bald a month ago. My cheeks are way too fat for me to be bald bitches so the emotional instability was REAL when shit started to fall out. I am not bald I am not bald I am not bald FUCK IT PASS THE XANAX.

Ok so enough about my hair, because I have most of it.

You want to know what hair I HAVE managed to retain, the hair on my motherfuckin' chin. You know, that ONE chin hair that's like hehehehe bitch you thought I was gone, WELL I'M HERE TO STAY! Chemo or no chemo, hair on my face (ha, just not on my brows) remains to be a problem.

So yay to chemo cold caps....I AM NOT BALD. Please sweet Christmas Jesus, laying in your little manger next to yo mama and step daddy with your cloth diaper on, PLEASE don't let me lose anymore, my emotional instability can't handle it, there is not enough Xanax in the world for me to handle it!

Moving along. I saw some of my peeps yesterday! Selena and Fabi came to keep me up to date on all of my work loqueria/chisme/gossip. I am officially caught up....HOLLLAAAAAAA! I'd also like to kick a shout out to Angelique who Boob Chica sat the other day, and is coming over with her bundle of joy so we can hang tonight. Yay! Thank you all for your continued support and comfy socks =)

Mom doing her first survivor walk with the rest of the
survivors in DFW!

This week has been crazy, with all the people that think it's ok to say what they want and what not. I'm a huge fan of saying what you want....as long as it's not crazy! I feel my self starting to digress and I don't want to. When my brows fell out, I went to MAC so that they could show me how to pencil them in. Don't think chola brows think full luscious movie star brows. Erica was in and out so Josh hooked me UP! Brow (random stray hair really) wax, pencil, brush, concealer brush, and concealer later I walked out looking, feeling like a million bucks. He also told me about an oil that would work for my psychotically dry skin. Big ups to the LGBT community for keeping us chemo gals looking right in our time of need. Big ups to all the makeup artists, hair stylists, aestheticians who give us a little pep in our cancerous step. Things like this mean a lot. It's so important to remain as positive as possible. As shallow as it seems, looks=positivity=self esteem. Thanks for always keeping me looking right!

5 days till my next chemo...so excited to experience hell on Earth again. Really. Nothing builds character like shedding hair, vomit, and a burning asshole, but I'm keeping it positive! I AM NOT BALD!

So I've been really enjoying my boobs lately, you know, since I only have like three more months with these guys. I'm anxious to receive my next set of scans to compare what's going on inside my right boob and under my arm where the cancer lymph node lives. Hopefully I'm part of the 40% that has errythang gone before surgery! Jesus, I don't have my bra on or nothin' JESUS.

Anyways

I really love this time of year. The smell of the red velvet candle Kym got me, the lights, the green and red errythang, the gluttony lol, cookies!, the overpriced Christmas trees...which is why we didn't get one..., the weather, ERRYTHANG! I also understand that for some this time of year is piss and shit. I get it, I do. You lost so and so, you're single and have no one, you want to mope. I get it. Kinda. Sorta. Not really. Winter is a beautiful time of year, it symbolizes both death and rebirth all in the same season. I wish people focused on the rebirth aspect rather than the death aspect. Yes the grass is brown. Yes the trees are bare. But you have so much to celebrate. I have a lot to celebrate, and if I'm celebrating bitches, so should you. I mean, it is Jesus' bday!

Happy birfday, drink some wine!

I'm Back Bitches

LOL, ok so not really. So I said it before and am going to say it again, the addition of Carbo to my chemo regimen has fucked me six ways from Sunday. I'm extremely fatigued, nauseous, just generally feeling really MEH! My brows have thinned out and I have lost some lashes....which let me tell you has been a real hit to my self esteem. I've noticed a couple of stray hairs on my hairline as well, but in the grand hair show, isn't too much of a big deal. It isn't a big deal boob chica, keep saying it so you can believe it!

So let's recap.

Feeling: like shit, fatigue hit me hard today, but otherwise ok
Ready for Xmas: no, and I don't give a damn!
Nausea meds: are about to be thrown out, they don't work
Cough: comes and goes, normally at night
Javier: is awesome

So the bestie came into town this weekend to see the madness! It was good to see Celinas and my nephew! She brought fuzzy socks, as well as some other essentials, not to mention hooked my face up with some moisturizer to keep the cracks away. PRAISE THE LAWD! I also saw Kym and Mari from work, they brought me a mini Christmas tree and some cards from work that my coworkers had signed. Super nice, appreciate it! I'm hoping to feel good enough this weekend to have some people over for some food as a mini Merry Christmas/Happy New Year since I fully expect that I'll be high as a kite this New Year!

Yes.........I said it.....I need to keep it real

There comes a time when you are in the seventh circle of hell (physically and emotionally) where you have to explore all your options. There comes a time when life experience makes you see things in a certain light. I've always been the type of person that has said that when it comes to certain things you really can't say what you would do unless you were in that situation. Medical marijuana, now a huge advocate, end of story.

Promise to blog more often!

Ice Ice Baby

Ice Storm '13

Well, guess all the newscasters were correct. Javi and I are iced in two days after chemo. LUCKY HIM! Holy barf bucket Batman, I feel like shit. 48 hours after chemo is to me, when things start to get REAL. As in REAL bad. The nausea is awful and no drug can really control it, the Neulasta pain is excruciating. Everything from jaw, to pelvis, to back pain. It's really hard to explain, but think one of those bone stretching Medieval torture machines. That's what being on Neulasta is like. No amount of hydro/benedryl/claritin/whatever can possibly help with this. UGH! Today I was in and out of consciousness, awoken by pain in my bones and nausea, and of course Javi...trying to coax me to eat something. 

Want to know what's such bull? Ok so I have these two cancer cookbooks in which they talk about the importance of eating right after chemo. I really wonder if these authors went through chemo their damn self because eating or drinking ANYTHING is extremely difficult right now. Ginger cubes? That sounds like some bullshit to me. Water hurts my mouth, so naturally I think these authors are just lying to sell books to poor unsuspecting bitches such as myself. NO WAY I could eat anything right now. I got through some soup, but even that was a stretch. By through I mean, two BITES! I've been HAD!

I wrote that like two days ago....let's just say, it's been a rough week after chemo. I have felt SO BAD! The C in TCH has really kicking my motherfuckin' ass....HARD! I remember telling some friends that going through chemo is like the mother of all hangovers, and by mother, I mean motherFUCKA'! I looked at myself in the mirror, good grief, I look sick. Hair of the dog doesn't even begin to describe what I need right now. I need hair, makeup, skin, lashes all of the dog, I mean shit...I NEED HELP! My appearance is seriously suffering! CORRIE/HOLLY/ERICA/SHAY  HELP A BITCH OUT PLEASE! I know I'm not the only Dallas-ite who is on a first name/text basis with her glam squad, but damn I wish I had the energy to do something besides puke, shit, and eat two spoonfuls of some nasty ass soup. I mean it's a sad sad day when your husband has to try to talk you into chocolate cake. Like really, this has been the longest chocolate cake has even survived in our house. Go buy your favorite foods they said, you'll have a taste for them they said....THEY LIED. The thought of eating anything has me just disgusted! 

Steroids, I'm officially back in a relationship with you bitches, because without them I wouldn't have the energy to put one foot in front of the other. Wait a second....FUCK THAT because I still don't! What exactly have you done for me lately roids....aside from made me fatter than a Lifetime weight loss movie! I mean I've lost....but the bloat is so real right now. 

So since America is all about comparing, my second infusion has been

-worse

-worser

-worsest 

than my first. Diarrhea-the same, Nausea-worse, Vomiting- A HELL OF A LOT WORSE, Bum rash-a hell of a lot better thanks to A's miracle cream (LOL), Fatigue-worse, burning-the same, mouth-better (because I've prepared for it), but the bleeding is a lot worse. I taste blood in my mouth all the time, my lips are better, have burned but been manageable. 

Here's a note I found from my husband:

I LOVE MY WIVI! I LOVE MY WIVI SO MUCH! SHE MEANS THE WORLD TO ME AND I DON'T THINK SHE'LL EVER TRULY KNOW THE DEPTHS TO WHICH I LOVE HER! I AM TRULY BLESSED TO HAVE HER BY MY SIDE AND THANK THE LORD EVERYDAY FOR BRINGING US TOGETHER! WE ARE GOING TO GET THROUGH THIS TOGETHER, AND I FIRMLY BELIEVE THAT WHEN WE MAKE IT THROUGH THIS, THE REST WILL BE A BREEEEEZE! LET'S KICK CANCER'S ASS, REMEMBER....TEAM BRING IT! <3

Awwww, my husband wrote that. Thank God I married him when I did, because I would be screwed without my Wubby! Gotta end on a positive! LOL

Boobs and Besties WHAT WHAT!

I survived! Hook 'Em Horns!

My face doesn't look all roided up here...yes it does. I'm like Jose Cansecho in this muthafucka, straight up JUICED! In da face!

So my friend Angelique said I look smaller, so it must be true. HA! That's real friendship! Of course Robert said I look great, lol, but he's a guy friend who has learned when in doubt LIE LIE LIE. Remember when you called me big in college Ro? I KID I KID!

LOL, this reminds me of college..
and that drunken UFC/boxing
at Fox and Hound haha!

 Anyways, I have a bomb ass friend support system that is better than errybody elses. I sometimes wonder about some of the ladies and gentlemen that go through chemo and are there alone. Yes there's tv and shitty chemo candy and crackers, but above all what makes it go by faster is the conversation and shit talk that happens between friends. Real talk people, real talk. I mean my people are the BOMB! Angelique takes off work (like for realz, uses a day for little ol me lol) to hang out with me and my cold caps! Robert flew up just to be put to work and let me question him about his girlfriend that it sounds like I may like her! YAY! Love you man, next time fried bananas for you! She's the one Ro, put a ring on it and let's start planning =) Love you all so much, and the support from so many others foreign and domestic that have been there through the battle has truly been amazing.

So Taxotere, Herceptin, Perjeta, and now new to the party (late) is Carboplatin...it's suppose to have me feeling like some serious SHIT! Ha! Thank God for realness, like really! Also...she said symptoms tend to get worse. Hopefully not the big D, and I don't mean Dallas. I'm cautiously optimistic, but the twinge in my tummy says to get ready that I'm in for a helluva ride! I see you ride and I'm READY. I can't speak for Javi or the kids though. Well I can speak for Hunter, he's an Akita, always loyal, always ready to help take care of mom! Best dog ever. Hopefully Javi sleep takes care of me again! LOL

Bottoms up BITCHES! Mom tried to take
my wine...I've never been about that life!
(Javi is trying to drink all the wine before
 tomorrow,
sigh, no trust!)

2 infusions down, 4 more to go! I will feel better when it's 3 more, you know halfway just sounds better....it just seems like February is so far away! It's funny, and I was going ot plan a Spring Break getaway with Javi to Cancun or Riviera Maya as a YAY 1 year anniversary trip, but looks like that'll have to wait until a later date. Things change, shit happens.

Now on to my BOOBS! My right boob is happy, the lump according to awesome doctor Le has "faded into the blackness" as the rappers say and has seemed to have disappeared. She couldn't feel anything but maybe a slight calcification. Yup! THAT'S RIGHT! When she saw me the first time she told me she was going to go balls to the wall and hit me with everything. Well no she didn't say balls to the wall! She has an MD, they don't talk like that, they are not that DOWN for the cause lol. Anyways, she told me in order to aim for cure they need to hit me with 6 cycles and that one lone cell left in my body could fuck me up...AGAIN. Ain't nobody got time for that! Bre' cancer is no joke!  If I'm doing all this, let's just do it once, kick ass, take names, lose tits, get fake ones, inject a little fat in my ass from my stomach and call it a day. Really, I see no need for the bullshit. I'm very matter of fact, I'm not emotional, I'm not going to sit here and cry over milk I'll never get to spill, or lost titties...when I could have fake perky ones and a closet full of slutty tops.... FO E VA! My breast surgeon (BS, not to be confused with what comes out of cows...or me lol) is THRILLED!

 Not many are fortunate enough to be on Perjeta (the ass kicking chemo drug that shrinks tumors after a week). In all seriousness, I am very blessed, fortunate, lucky, and the stars aligned, ALL OF IT for me to be able to take it. See I'm what's called ER PR negative, and HER2 positive which means aggressive not caused by hormone cancer. I'm both negative and positive. People who are triple negative or triple positive aren't eligible but because I'm both I am HA! Sometimes it pays to be negative! In any event, things are going well. So thankful. I know it is because of all of your prayers and support. As the say in the South 'preciate y'all! Oh and to my precious gummy bear Javi, I love you Wubs!

Chemo luggage! Love my slippers!

That's That Bull

I haven't taken any pictures of my sick ass
so you'll have to settle for my dogs! Man
up Hunter and tell Tika to step off! LOL

Why oh why did I need to get sick right before chemo? And of all things.....guess what I have....guess what I HAVE?

Diahrrea.

WHAT THE FUCK

WHY?

Ok if I'm going to have all of this stuff coming out of me I need to see it coming off of my thighs and my abdominal area like now because this is bullshit. No this is boob chica's shit! Haha SO GROSS RIGHT? What is even more disgusting is the gross injustice going on with my weight as a result of all of this! Why am I not size 4? Like seriously I have like an internal laxative chemo/bitches be getting sick situation going on right now, I thought laxatives were suppose to help you lose weight, so like why am I not bikini ready right now? I'm totes making a lemon drop martini out of my situation but really throw me a bone dammnit! Ugh. Anyways. So I'm getting over the sickness, but for some reason have the worst stomach ache eva! What have I eaten in the last 72 hours....practically nothing! Plus I've thrown up, plus I have the lower intestinal situation going on. I should be almost at my goal weight by now and I'm not... this is cray! Very disappointed in you cancer, you fucked me for the last time! Well...hopefully!

I think I should take my penis cup to chemo and drink out
of it while the burn me up! I think I deserve another
bachelorette party!

Big ups to my chemo buddies tomorrow: Angelique and Robert! Thank you two so much in advance for giving Javi the day off! With the crazy weather headed this way he needs to get everything ready and I'm sure could use a break from my crazy ass (not really, but yes really). Real friends, God love 'em! I know I do :)

So I joined this website MyBCTeam. It's like Facebook except everyone has breast cancer and they talk about shit like whether not you tested positive for the mutation, what type of chemo your getting, and tips to help combat pain from your Neulasta shot. For anyone out there that finds themself in the same shit storm as me, I highly recommend it.  It's like the pink ribbon commercials with the hand holding. Very kum-ba-ya. LOL it's honestly been helpful, they have great ideas and I've found quite a few girls on there that went through this at my age and now have kids so...holllaaa! Speaking of kids guess who got their period...all over her newly covered dining room chairs? ME! Happy Thanksgiving to me....UGH. I thought I peed on myself...I wish! Just a mini three day and it was gone.

Can't wait to trash talk! My brotha
from anotha mutha!

Anyways, you put in your stats, what stage, what type, and it like shows you girls from all over that have the same type as you lol. You then add friends (add them to your team). Super cute, yay for the hand holding and the singing. What's neat is that years after these women have gone through their ordeal they still come back and offer kind words to the cancer newbies and tell us to calm the hell down and be hopeful.  The cool thing is, they have earned the right to tell you not to freak out, they aren't some random chicks from the block who's mama's sisters cousins boyfriends ex girlfriend had cancer. They actually lived it.  They are quite curious about my chemo cold caps and the fact that I still have my hair. I'm still surprised that I have my hair. OMG are y'all over my hair? I talk so much about it and I know you all think it's silly but boobs can be replaced, hair cannot. Even a really good weave still cannot replace your hair. You can RUN AND TELL THAT!!

So I'm thinking of throwing a boob party. Yes, a farewell to my tits party. They have brought many comfort and joy throughout the years, and they are gone with the wind fabulous. I'll keep you all posted. It would have to be after chemo of course and I totally want the same baker that we used at our wedding! I'm thinking some boobs in a bra as a cake! Super cute no? Stay tuned, I'm thinking formal invites and errythang!

One of the best priests eva! Father Rudy! Javi dumped the
holy water all over the place...like a BOSS!

 I'm sipping on this matcha green tea (that's perhaps the most yuppy thing I've ever said). Nom nom nom. You become quite granola after cancer. I won't go completely granola, but I have to do better. Just a stones throw away from getting real in the Whole Foods parking lot! LOL. Anyway, go get you some, it's really good, all natural. You know it's all natural when there's some weird stuff floating in it and they charge you literally by the bag o tea... just saying.

I tested negative for the gene, which means nothing really. I'm sure that further genetic testing will show that I do in fact carry a mutation, seeing that I'm a third generation future breast cancer survivor. BRACA 1 and 2 are just two they identified there's a gagillion others! People seem to be like "phew, I'm not a carrier," um so like yeah that doesn't really mean anything....(points to boobs) obviously! Long of the short I think you should know, so that you could be like Angelina Jolie and cut those bad boys off if in fact you do test positive.  People will talk about how courageous you are! OMG so courageous! You cut your tits off! That makes no damn sense to me. That woman did not have to sit through one infusion, one PET scan, one Core Need Biopsy, one port surgery...oh Boob Chica your just hating...well fuck yes I am. She wasn't courageous she was a pussy, she opted out before shit got real. I wish I would have gotten the chance to do that, but here I am in the realness! Trust, I'm just hating...she's not a pussy...just a woman with GWOP and a whole mess of international children! She also needs to eat something....anyways

I can tell by the cup of matcha tea that my time is up! I apologize in advance for any horrendous spelling and or gramatical errors...I don't proofread! Big ups to my fans! CHEMO TOMORROW! THANK YOU DALLAS!

OH LAWWWWWWWD!

Cold Cap=keep the hair, just not down
 there!

Your immune system is weak they said. Avoid areas that have poor air circulation/that are heavily crowded they said. I didn't LISTEN! Friday night I was at Blue Martini with Javier and Akon, mostly because I wanted to prove to Javi that I COULD still hang. Who would have known that Blue Martini was germ filled and would become filled with people? How was I to know that two days later I was going to wake up with the MUTHA of all fevers, cough, sore throat and feeling like two sacks *ahem, make that three* of horse shit! Now I know why I haven't seen anyone going through chemo out at the bar! I haven't felt this bad since right after chemo and I'm about to feel that shitty again since I have another infusion on Wednesday. Oh well, that martini tasted good!

I meant martinis!!

Yes as in plural! Worst cancer patient EVA!

So Friday and Saturday I was pretty insistent on getting the house ready for Christmas. I went out shopping on Friday for decorations, and I bought what I thought was a lot of decor...then I put it up in the house and I got really depressed that I spent all that money for what was basically NOTHIN! Mom offered up some of her decor, hell yeah, now we are ready for the holidays. For some reason Christmas trees are naked as hell and expensive as hell. Really? 200 dollars for that naked ass tree? Bitches be cray! We may wait until after Christmas to be getting a tree! Speaking of after Christmas it seems like this Boxing Day (google that for all you non Canadian Brits out there) I'll be getting my chemo on...what WHAT! So gangsta! NOT.

It's funny, because I was going to work today. Seriously. I got signed off and errythang. Then I get slammed with the Blue Martini sickness and I'm at home. Poor hubby can't catch a break. Fevers suck! I was burning up like a mutha!

Ugh, so have I talked about my runny nose on here? I don't think so. So my nose hair fell out...yes...my nose hair fell out. When your nose hairs fall out you have a constant runny nose. I literally only have like three left in my right, lol it's kinda sorta funny. Speaking of hair, I officially have like less than five hairs on my kitty, and I'm literally clinging to that shit as if it was hair on my head!

So I was terrified to wash my hair today...TERRIFIED! When you watch yourself go bald down there you think, oh shit is this what it's like? It drops out in clumps and if you apply any tension, that's it, it's out. I remember my oncologist telling me that if by Friday (last Friday) I still had my hair that means the cold cap worked. Well I didn't shed any more than usual so after one infusion I've still got my hair. I had to smile when I came out of the bathroom with my wet hair, Javi looked so surprised. More relieved is probably the word I'm searching for.

So I need to eat super clean tomorrow because whatever I eat tomorrow and Wednesday I'll be barfing and shitting up around 2am Friday and I would prefer not to burn as bad this time around! I'm putting my Desitin on now and slicking down the lips! I need to clean my toilet so when I'm puking in it I don't get grossed out! There's also a recipe for the burn that's suppose to help, I need to get on that as well. Burn baby burn!

Anyways...