Taste and See

Chucking chemo the deuce! BYE FELICIA!

Today was my last dense chemo....well, better make that yesterday. Chemo insomnia is the greatest...NOT! It's like walking the plank, too scared to jump so you just stand there bobbing along with the water. Waiting...waiting for either the pirate to force you off or for you to take one giant leap of faith. I'm here waiting...waiting to throw up and feel the burn or ya know...not.

Chemo today was fun! Wildn' out with my chemo buddies. It's always a #turnup when Angelique is involved. The line of the day has to have been, "If you're having relationship problems I feel bad for you son, but my wife has cancer...bitch." LOL hahahahaha I laugh so hard just replaying it in my mind. Thanks girl! I was awarded with a trophy by Angie, t shirt by Texas Onc, ballons from my sister, and given a beautiful Origami Owl necklace by Lawren. The words in your cards were so heartfelt. Want to see who your real friends are...get cancer, it's a blessing and a curse. The cream rises to the the top while the rest of the world is just...meh. Javi and my mom provided the snacks and faux bubbly. TRAILER CAKES! How Javi discovered this place is beyond me, but thank you babe....NOM NOM NOMERIFIC! Mom's sandwiches and "drank" were a hit. From nurses and doctors to fellow chemo victims like me, it was cool to see more smiles and happiness than pain. Laughing filled the room where I had previously witnessed despair....tears and even my dehydrated ass vomiting in a corner. It made me feel like I was playing hooky from work rather than getting that essential poison healing. LOL.

My brother showed up. It annoyed me. He showed up for himself and not for me. Like that liar and murderer who calls for a priest on their deathbed so they can say their confession to clear their conscience. I'm not a fucking priest, so don't waste my time. And don't put moms sandwhiches and Javi's gourmet cupcake in a ziploc bag and leave all suspect, it makes you look like you came to chemo for the food....ahhhhhh so that's why he came. Cancer or not, I don't do fake well...at all.

I'm stockpiling weave...look
at my future hair style for summa!

Breast friends (my fellow sisters in boob) posed a question two days ago. What song has been your saving grace during chemo/cancer/boob removal/vomit fest/hellfire/boob reattachment? Mine go from one extreme to the other. The story of my life has always been Hopeful...by Twista of all people. Words so important from somewhere you wouldn't expect, words that will probably find themselves tattooed on my body one day...they saved my ass through loss, breakup, lie, cheat, pain, through despair...chemo honestly was a breeze after all that.

Cuz I'm hopeful, yes I am hopeful for today
Take this music and use it, let it take you away
and be hopeful, hopeful, and He'll make a way
I know it ain't easy, but that's ok
Let's be hopeful.

Hope is what divides the men from the boys, and always has to me. No matter what situation we find ourselves in it is the keystone that gets us through. I'm reminded of my namesake, a woman I never met because she died 20 years before I was born. My grandmother (paternal) use to say "He who has little shall have less, and even that will be taken from him." In stark contrast to my grandmother, I'm not a Bible verse kind of gal, it's not my style, but I do know that my grandmother was reverencing Matthew, and not in the way people think. Who has little? The spiritually bankrupt. If you go through life spiritually bankrupt, you will lose the gifts God has bestowed upon you to help mankind. It's a total if you don't use it, ya lose it. You are given the gifts of faith, hope, and love from birth, from life experience, from wherever. You can foster it...or you can let it die, the choice is yours. My gift, joy. I'm a happy person. I spread that shit to the world the best I can, even now, even though I talk some MAD SHIT I'm happy like a room without a roof. If I chose not to be, God will take that from me because I am not deserving. So funny that This song reminds me of this fact. Even funnier that a woman I never met reached out to me in the midst of my physical pain to remind me of the overall picture. Run tell that!

I have digressed immensely.

Psalm 34 was chosen as a responsorial psalm at our wedding. It's my favorite. Here is why:

Taste and see
Taste and see
The goodness of the Lord
O taste and see
Taste and see
The goodness of the Lord

<enter my fav rendition of my fav part>

Glorify the Lord with me
Together let us all praise Gods name
I cried to the Lord, have mercy on me
from all of my troubles I was set free

See bolded. This is why it's my favorite rendition...I cried out to the Lord. And the choir sings it southern Gospel style. Damn have I done a whole lot of that lately...crying out begging for help. Always on my knees, penitent, and He has heard me. Even in pain. Hope doesn't mean you are excused from the pain, it means that you know you won't be in pain forever. Pain...such an important and necessary part of life. It knocks you on your ass, not a bad thing. I find the view from your ass is a lot clearer than from the tallest mountain top. BELIEVE THAT.

Not my finest hour

Dolly is disgusted with her mama!

Lord have MEEEERRRRCCCCCAAAAAYYYYYY!

OK this is one of those don't read from this point on if you get grossed out....and by grossed out I mean...GROSSED THE FUCK OUT! My husband said that I need to keep it "All the way real," like Real Housewives, so here goes.

I'm swelling like a water balloon. I noticed a few days ago it was back and while I do have meds to help with this I have no desire to go to the hospital due to dehydration. Ain't nobody got time for that. So with the impending LAST MUTHA FUCKIN' chemo one Wednesday I figure let me get the swelling under control.

Enter lasix.

Lasix basically rids your body of the extra water....you pee it out. I know you know where this is going. This morning I open my eyes and I'm like FUCK I needs to GOOOOOOO!!! Javi is snoring his ass off, so the mad dash was reduced to a cancer patient waddle. UGH. I didn't make it...well I made it but it was too late. Now this is why I'm so anti pink ribbon commercial bullshit. Breast cancer doesn't look like some pretty bejeweled ribbon, it looks like a browless girl carrying 10 pounds of extra water weight accidentally peeing on the floor.

Speaking of not my finest hour I'm officially a member of Breast Friends, a hidden FB group of gals in the trenches. I've been able to share the importance of Imodium AD with them and diaper cream. Ahhhh to speak to a group of women who understand the nastiness.

Front to back ladies!

BC

Hot DAMN!

It's been a muthafuckin' minute. Ok so let's dive right in with no interuptions....mmmmmkkkkaaaayyyy.

After Chemo #4 which was January 17th I suffered a completely awesome complication from chemo. Namely from being pumped to the brim with Taxotere, a drug that causes swelling and water retention. So a few days after chemo I started blowing up like a balloon. How is this happening? I'm barely eating? Why do I have a gut and double chin? More importantly why is my husband lying like I haven't put on weight. Puke puke puke shit shit shit fatigue fatigue fatigue. I was swelling so much I was having some serious trouble walking. I barely could get up and down the stairs. I was out of breath just getting out of the tub. The joint paint was unreal, especially in my shoulder, ankles, knees, and jaw. I was basically a hot ass fucking mess. So I'm thinking whateves, chalk it up to the game that is chemo and cancer and I'll just tell my doctor when I have my next chemo.

I waddle into the office the morning of Feb 4th (I think) ready to be pumped with my poison cocktail. Dr. Le looks at me like holy shit bitch, yo ass is so fat. I basically had gained 15 pounds in 3 weeks! And my LYING ASS HUSBAND didn't tell me! LOL She put me on lasix...immediately. Hollaaaaa. Diet pills bitches, these are diet pills! Not really, they make you release water and boy did they ever. I lost it all in 6 days...WHAT WHAT. I'm going to go ahead and keep this bottle for when the summa' get here! Unfortunately my blood work looked like ass so I needed more steroids and fluids pumped through my port. I always get scared when I go in for a check up and need fluids, that basically means your ass is one step away from being admitted to the hospital.

So chemo number 5 sucked. I'm basically averaging about a 5 hour drip time, and after I feel like I've been hit by a bus. Remember the good ol days where the bus wouldn't hit till 36-48 hours later? Well, now I'm not so lucky, the bus hits my fat ass on the way to the parking lot after chemo.

Don't mind the partial nakedness chec
k out my hurrrr

Brows: GONE
Hair on head: Still there for the most part...holllaaaa
Ankles: Swollen like a muthafucka'
Skin: dry dry dry and needing Jesus to come from on high and give me that living water!
Lashes: Bottom lashes are mostly gone, I've got a few stragglers hanging on for dear life. Top is still banging, but major major gaps.
Chin: hahahaha chin hair, CHEMO FINALLY GOT YO ASS!

My skin has burns from the bottom of my feet to my face. That is just GREAT. It looks like skin after you just touched your hand to the oven when it's on 425. It blisters, scabs, and basically just chills until my next chemo where it comes back there and in a new spot.

A huge shout out to my friend Maria who brought me a box of fruit and veggies. Perfect timing because I finally got a vitamix to help juice. I like my bullet, but it doesn't get to the consistency I like. It's like she read my mind and new I was going to the grocery store for some kale. Love her. Kicking another should out to my girl Kym who arranged to have her friends write me. I got another card this week from a lovely lady from Mesquite. Thanks girl, I appreciate your kind words, it helps me going. To be honest cancer is cool in the beginning, but after a while it takes it's toll and the wear and tear on your body starts showing. I've been exhausted this last month. I remember those days where I would recover from chemo and in the last month I just haven't been able to. That sucks. Today I was able to leave the house for a non medical reason, first time in a long time! Sad sad sad.

Speaking of sad Tika went to the Rainbow Bridge (heaven for dogs) right before chemo number 5. I miss her so much because she knew me well. We got Dolly, a white applehead chihuahua with brown and black markings and she's a WILD CHILD! Hunter is like mom, why did you bring her! She helps get me through the days when I need a cuddle bug, and those days are like all the time now. I spend a great majority of my time sleeping...exhaustion is real!

Well I can tell by my imaginary empty glass of margarita that my time is up. As always thank you so much to my wonderful husband for putting up with my ass and everything that he does. He's the best!