Bone Crusher

Post Chemo

1. Keep Claritin in your system at all times to combat Neulasta
2. Keep hydrocodone in your system at all times to combat Neulasta
3. There's something about puking up chemo burness that still fucking sucks
4. Burn baby burn...chemo inferno...burn baby burn
5. Bone crushing pain...I fucking hate you.

I Just Got Hit

Engagement pic from a year ago..

By a train...called chemo.

 I feel so exhausted and I've never felt like this post chemo before. I had to take a nap! LAWD why did I admit that. My infusion went fast. They were pouring it into me like I was a glass and chemo was the tequila. OH I WISH! I have two more left but uggghhhhhh it's taking it's toll. I post less, I leave the house less, and I'm a hot ass mess. Totally loving the repetition of the last consonant sounds s lol.  I've managed to lose a debit card, a gold paint pen,some thank you cards and a wedding card under the front seat of my car while on my way to the post office. WHO DOES THAT? What's even crazier is no matter how much I contort my body, I can't reach it. I can see it, but I can't get to it. That's some fuckery if I've ever seen it. I don't even want to tell Javier...because he'll laugh at me. Then get it for me, but I don't want him to know that his wife isn't capable of reaching under the damn seat of her car. HE KNOWS NOW! lol

I haven't had the energy to grocery shop. It's like all the energy I had, left me on Saturday night :( An hour and a half of "normalcy" (sitting down and watching people dance) really cost me big time.

Go Cowboys......uh....never mind!

 There's a storm a' brewing and I'm thinking vomit and diarrhea along with serious bone pain are in my future. Operation avoid the pain has now commenced.

This will be a quick post seeing that I'm already in the midst of a shit storm and it's a totally category 5.

If I say anything that you remember let it be this:

If you feel like something is wrong...go to the doctor. If the doctor feels like nothing is wrong yet the pain doesn't go away, seek a second opinion. A 250k degree and a six figure job doesn't mean shit against Google, Web MD, and genetics. I'm not saying turn into a hypochondriac, I'm saying listen to your body. These women in the chemo infusion room are so real I can't stand it. So glad my Dr. didn't think my age completely ruled me out of having breast cancer.

Why is it in this country you get a medal for being tough and enduring the pain, but at times that medal comes at the cost of a wooden box that ends up six feet under. Why is the person who fights on the battle field (or in the chemo room for that matter) only worth something when they're gone? Notice that everyone supports the troops (or breasties) when they fall, but who will support them while they stand? Why is hard work/success measured by the hours we spend away from our home and loved ones and not by the time we spend with each other? Why is it a sign weakness and incompetence running to the doctor 15 minutes after your contract time ends? 15 minutes before? In the middle of the day? When you have a sick child? When did our work become more than important than our life? I will always have a reason to smile because people always give me a reason to laugh....for better and for worse.


Fact: Cancer sucks, my body will never be the same (and that's ok). I'm exhausted, my joints ache, and I can't type as well as I used to. NO I DON'T PROOF READ I'M EXHAUSTED! SORRY! NOT SORRY! That's ok to me, but not to others. Lucky for me I don't mind and they don't fucking matter. But I will no longer put the needs of others in front of my own or in front of my husband. I deserve more than that. I won't let someone give me more so they can do less. I won't associate myself with people who don't value me, in the work place or in my personal life. God did not put me on this Earth for that, to be a slave to the whims of others. Moses broke free of that so that I wouldn't have to. "I want to be the girl who walks in the sun," this girl just wants to have fun.

Night Felicia


UGH I'M FAT

Leaving on a Jet Plane

Hope I look like this again one day soon!

Well, not really bitches but I'm packing for chemo tomorrow. I need more luggage after 7 hours in the chemo room than on a two day weekend in Austin. Now that's a lot of outfit changes! My chemo MUSTS include
-electric blanket
-extra blanket
-ugg boots
-MK slippers (thanks babe!)
-cell
-trashy US weekly
-neck pillow ala Celinas Garcias
-iPAD
-chemo cold caps
-moisturizer
-tights
-chemo buddie (shit talking is a must) or sexy husband
-a face full of club makeup, MAC FACE BEAT UP!
-chargers for electronics
-cute Kleenex that Angelique got me
-lip balm
-good snacks, whoever stocks the chemo room full of snacks is seriously out of touch

There you have it...my list o' shit. I'm not sure if I want to wear my Hooters sweatshirt or not. I find it highly inappropriate...which means I'll probably be wearing my hooters sweatshirt tomorrow hahaha. Nothing says save the boobies like a Hooters Shirt. Tee hee.

How am I feeling? Like a fresh steaming pile of shit. Emotionally and physically. I really don't want to go, so mentally I'm like....MEH. I was starving so I went out for nuggets and now I feel worse. It's hard knowing that I have two more months/3 more round of this. It's like being at mile 13.1 when you have to run the actual marathon. Half way there means.....well nothing really.  There's something really unsettling about knowing that you are about to be head first in that toilet you just cleaned. BLAH.

I'm looking forward to my new ass...and boobs. They can't come fast enough!

I didn't have no LUMP or nothing Jesus!

Ok, I have news breasties of the world I have NEWS! So I went to see my BS (Breast Surgeon) on Thursday and after some foreplay (on her part, not mine lol) she couldn't feel anythang. Inside I'm thinking well of course, three rounds of the good good and a mountain of puke and shit later if my lump was still as obvious as before I think I would have ripped my own breast off myself. Like for real. For serious. Fo' shizzle. I was relieved and thankful that after the lube and sono she said "well, I don't really see it."

Cue the music!

ALL I DO IS WIN WIN WIN NO MATTER WHAT GOT BOOBIES ON MY MIND I WILL HAVE TO GIVE THEM UP AND EVERYTIME I STEP UP IN THE BUILDING MY FAKE BOOBIES WILL ALWAYS BE UP......AND THEY'LL STAY THERE AND GUYS WILL SAY YEAH!

Ok that's not how the song goes....but it's been rewritten! SUE ME!

So here's an update:

Three more rounds-------ugh
Hey Shorty, it's my birthday------March 16th----and I'm going to sip barcardi like it's my birthday! The big 31!
Bilateral Mastectony (BMX)-----March 25th

My surgery will be accompanied with a sentinal node biopsy to determine whether or not there is any life tumor still in my node that was afflicted. If there is any live tumor that remains in my boob or node then I will need to undergo radiation. Meh. Hopefully there's nothing left! PLEASE GOD let there be nothing left! I'll need to remind myself of the end goal as I finish these next three rounds. When I'm in pain, puking and pooping please GOD let me remember the end result!

I will need twelve more rounds of Herceptin regardless....36 mo' weeks....meh! My port Scheanna and I will be getting quite close this year, as I attempt to accessorize around her bitch ass. LOL.

I'm trying to focus more on things that aren't cancer related, like trying to finish furnishing and decorating our house. It's hard to believe that it's been almost a year since Javi and I got married/bought a house/he lost his dad. We've had a wild ride in the last year and are looking forward to thinkgs calming down a bit. I mean don't get me wrong we've had a blast, but we've had some unfortuante events happen to say the least. So.....in honor of the kick ass 2014 year we are going to have, I am planning my woman cave! Think all gold errythang, blue blue blue accent wall, and MAKEUP AND HAIR! Girlie to the max, yet classy. Can't wait to blow my hair (ahem, probably extensions, but I will be paying for them so it is my hair lol) and beat my face up with the best MAC has to offer.

So speaking of face...thank GOD for Plantscription oil from Origins. It hydrates my face big time. The new honey body butter from The Body Shop has also worked wonders for my skin. Thank goodness.

Cancer people...don't you LOVE how people say they are going to come and visit, but they don't. WHAT'S UP WITH THAT! It's kind of annoying! I appreciate all the people who have text me, called me, written me, and come to visit me. It means so much and it's the best way to stay positive!

To Eat or not to Eat?

So. I just went to the grocery store. HOLLLAAAAAAA! I know, out among the people doing what needs to be done, but out nonetheless. Truth be told, I had a lash appointment so I figured why not find food so that your husband doesn't (in his mind of course) roll his eyes and curse his wife for not having anything in the house except stale bread and three week old chicken!

Shopping now is different than it was before. Now while I am a third generation victim of the bitch ass C (my maternal gma-breast cancer, my paternal gma-cervical/ovarian/uterine, my ma-breast, me-breast). Did you read between the parenthesis? LOL It's called YOU CAN'T ESCAPE THIS SHIT...BITCH! So anyways, now that I'm a week away from round 4 (gasp) I figure the little time I do have an appetite I need to binge on healthy foods. I've read a lot of info about what to eat post cancer, and the conclusions I drew were 

1. I'm HER2+ what does that mean? It means the shit may come back.

Did you just say vegan?

2. I need to cut down on dairy, any dairy I do consume MUST BE ORGANIC no genetically modified anythang..my cancer is HER2+.

3. I need to cut down on sugar, chemo puts me at a high risk for diabetes

4. Up the calcium, chemo puts me at a high risk for osteoporosis and arthritis

What does that leave? A whole lot of organic fruits and veggies, little to no dairy, little to no beef/chicken, fresh caught seafood, nuts, and um....WATER!

The good news is, I like water, the bad news is I'm officially in a relationship with cheese. Sigh....let me rephrase. It's complicated between cheese and I =)

Foods laced with genetically modified product fucks with our system and gives us the big C. Now keep in mind, I obviously have some type of predisposition given my family history. I accept it. However, it couldn't hurt if I try to eat a little healthier!

So Mondays will officially be meatless Monday (if possible during chemo, definitely after). See Mondays may be I can't eat a damn thing during chemo! Tues-turkey (ground), Wed&Thurs-raw vegan/vegan/vegetarian, F-Fish Friday, Saturday and Sunday are few to eat whateva in moderation. So that's the plan. three days a week will include no meat, chicken, fish. This means I have got to learn some healthy veggie/vegan recipes. 

Big ups to all of my friends, especially Holly that hooked me up today and has me looking fabulous! Tomorrow will be a bigger blog, scan scan scan baby! I'll find out about my tumor after my meetings with my Breast Surgeon. Keep you all posted =)

Cancer and the Caste System

Fake lashes n' brows. Putting paint
where it AIN'T!

I don't know if I like the direction of where this is going, but it's going nonetheless.

Fact: There comes a certain perspective that I have gained from being in a room full of the sick, full of the dying, and full of those fighting to survive.

Fact: None of the other gals look like me, in more ways than one.

Fact: People are inherently stupid.

So when you get the big C the patience level becomes...well it doesn't exist. I no longer have patience for people who haven't "been there." I can't tolerate people with little to know (yes I meant know not no) life experience.

I always knew the importance of having good health insurance. Call me Canadian, but going to the doctor and getting the works is just a way of life in the great white north. I really don't get the big deal about the ACA. If you like yours keep it, if you don't you have options, if you had a preexisting situation (like I have now) your insurance company can't fuck you over and say uh um neva mind bitch you are on your own! Case in point: Boob Chica worked for an employer that doesn't value our healthcare. Boob Chica had the best plan for chingos a month, but still was bad. Boob Chica got married and said f' you haterz, I'm getting under my husbands insurance. We call it "the good good." Not only was it less to insure both of us than it was for me under my own crappy plan but, given the whole Breast Cancer thang, it worked out for the best.

"Thank God you don't have our insurance."

What HR told me when I went in to request FMLA paperwork. Really? That's what you think of me? My hard work? My dedication? Breast Cancer sucks but BC and a shit insurance company sucks more. My chemo costs 11k a session. That's 66k total and that's just for the medicine going in my arm during the six rounds. I need 12 more rounds after my surgery! Cancer is not a poor gals disease...clearly. My insurance coverage of it: 100%. My copay: 20 bucks. Shouldn't everyone be entitled to this? My biggest worry: the puking, the pooping, what kind of concealer covers my bruise the best, what eyebrow pencil is the most natural. I think I'll get my lashes did tomorrow, and nails, and buy my 100% organic food. I don't have to worry about, shit I can't have chemo this week, I can't afford it. I don't need to worry about affording my pain meds, or scans, or paying my electric bill because I spent all my money on meds.

Cancer has rendered me home. I can't work. I'm not getting 100% of my paycheck, not even close. But we have been able to make it and still keep our family of two, plus two furchildren afloat.

I am the lucky one. I am the fortunate one. I am the blessed one. I am a rarity. Most people are not like me. I am one of the youngest, I am one of the only people of color. Like seriously I can count the minorities that I've seen on one hand that go through chemo. I've only ever seen another barely 30 something while there. Most people that look like me don't get the cadillac of treatment. Most people that are my age don't have the dream team of doctors and surgeons like I do.

Cancer greatly divides the haves with the have nots. The have nots struggle to survive, struggle to put food on the table, struggle to receive quality care, can't afford reconstruction. The haves well, we struggle. The struggle isn't as great.

I had new coverage as of January 1st. See the hubby's company got bought out, and they had a different insurance provider. So we made the switch, as if we had a choice. They had to cover me. THIS IS A HUGE DEAL. Because of ACA, they had to cover me. This is a big deal. Before the law, I would have fallen through the cracks, 33k worth of chemo remaining and people wouldn't have given a shit.

So when you complain, be fortunate. You never had to sit in a room full of the sick, we have a much better grasp of the  value of coverage than you.

Lemons and Lemon Drop Martinis

Happy New Year Felicia!

Ok, so I have meant to blog sooner but, ya know....HOLIDAZE BITCH!

1. Merry Holidays and some UGGS
2. Cristina Came
3. Chemo round 3 in the books
4. Hair shedding...LIKE A BOSS (ahem I mean dog)
5. Green Wednesday
6. UGHHHHHHHHHHH

So I will do things in this order and by things I mean write this post. I don't remember what I talked about last time...BLAME IT ON THE CH CH CH CH CH CHHHEEEEMMOOOOO!

So murry cri'mas (you like that Richie) to all my people out there. I appreciate all the support and love that you have given me toward the tail end of 2013 and your continued support into this new fabulous year that I will no doubt have. See nothing says Happy New Year like a double mastectomy, reconstruction, and fat in my ass!

Heading in for my post chemo shot...no more ass, in the arm!

Sigh already off track.

See what had happened was....they will have to do some fat grafting for my new tits, which means the fat is getting sucked out of my tummy and thigh area and put in front of the implant to look more natural. SO WHAT I'M SAYING IZZZZZ....why not make a lemon drop martini out of my clusterfuck of a situation and stick a few injections of my own fat where it belongs...INTO MY ASS! Just call me V. LO

So Christmas was good, as far as that goes. Javi went ALL OUT! Ugg boots, Ugg ear muffs (for chemo and beyond!), Michael Kors wallet, and Michael Kors slippa's! So label fabulous I can't STAND IT! Love my gummy bear <3

The next day I had chemo...but....CRISTINA CAME. Always good to talk to a friend or even have a friend around that has gone through the struggle. Her mom battled cancer years ago, so she was able to offer some pointers when it came to how to survive chemo. She also could tell when things were starting to get REAL. I really appreciated her visit. Thanks for the head turbans girl :).

This round has been unique...Neulasta kicked my ass worse than ever, the bone pain was UNREAL. Now my lashes and brows continue to take a beating, and my hair around my nape and back of my head has shed big time. I still have my hair, it's thinner, but still there. Please GOD don't want to shed anymore!

Marijuana was legalized in Colorado and sales started yesterday, aka Green Wednesday. Boy am I jealous! This round has been the best yet! Less diarrhea, vomiting, mouth sores, nausea...all because of alternative therapy. For all you haters out there, it's natural and it works. The only thing that gets me to eat, drink, or stop throwing up. For me to not wake up with blood in my mouth is a miracle. Funny how it works huh!? Here's to hoping all my Texas breasties going through the Cadillac of chemo get relief from this legally one day.

Ugh, going back to bed. The fatigue is reaaalllllll. As in real bad. HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL!