Ever After: Going back to work...

Well the time has come for me to address one of the LEAST talked about parts of the cancer journey, the Happily Ever After. For this blog I will focus on work, other stuff to come about life after cancer is coming soon...I promise joo. Well breasties is life really better on the other side of treatment? Yes.....but there are some strings.

I rushed to the oncologist
after convocation
have my infusion.

Sigh.....work. Being a career gal can be hard...and let me preface this by saying going back to work SUCKED! If I

It's a hard pill to swallow when Happily Ever After is more (un)Happily Ever After.  DON'T GET ME WRONG, I am happy to be alive, but that came at a huge price, the physical, mental, and emotional beating. People often wonder about soldiers and post traumatic stress, and while I'm not qualified to say that is what happens to survivors, we definitely have a small degree of that. If you haven't gone through it, this is what having cancer/beating cancer is like:

OMG I'M GOING TO DIE WTF
Vomit Vomit Vomit
Your numbers suck you need fluids...again
Sigh, really I just peed on myself ....again
OMG my tumor is shrinking! Wooohooo
Why does it burn every time I use the restroom
Oh your chemo friend that was on the same schedule as you that you have sat next to for 4 infusions now...THEY DIED
Fuck it could come back
Nothing fits!! I can't lose weight.
I hope my husband doesn't think I'm fat or ugly, or fat and ugly
I wish I had more help
Fuck this chick I met, it came back and she's in hospice
Diaper rash....AGAIN
YAY chocolate!!
I drove to the store....why did I do that? I can't remember what I needed.
Boob surgery, foob swap out yay!
OMG is that ANOTHER LUMP? Fat necrosis? Phew, dodged a bullet
What do you mean my hair isn't coming back?
This is some bullshit, I can barely stay awake in this meeting/conference/planning session/data mining/emailing/phone call/life
Why is my whole damn toenail on the ground!!
Yes officer I'm just here puking, no I haven't been drinking I just had Herceptin aka diet chemo
OMG I can't remember my friends name....how old is her daughter?
I swear I paid the credit card bill for the last few months...what do you mean I'm three months late :(
I am so tired.....
My hubs smells good, bow chicka wow woooowwwww
I cant button my shirt my hands are shaking/numb/won't do what they are suppose to
I look weird without lashes
My friend died
No I didn't get to finish the booklets....I was out yesterday...puking...thanks for your lack of concern
Yay tacos
My chemo buddy was suppose to be out of the hospital, it's been 3 weeks and she's still in :(
What do you mean I have no more sick days? Fine, just dock me in pay I have no other choice
Nipple surgery recovery HURTS
I don't feel like getting up...I'm depressed

See the craziness of the thoughts...this is my life. Yeah sure there is an occasional rainbow, but it's dominated by a lot of negativity as a result of having cancer. You have two choices, to succumb to the negativity or roll with the punches. I choose to keep it moving. I lost a lot of friends from the chemo room, I shudder at the thought. You think it's normal to have seen so many people slowly slip away in front of you? No....it's not. Especially when you have the same thing that they did. I will never remember the day walking into the chemo room to see my friend Kiva, and she was gone....from this Earth....ovarian cancer :( THAT SUCKED.

Chemo during my planning period.
Meh!

 I'll admit I was out for my major chemos and double mastectomy, but my boob swap and nipple reconstruction were two surgeries I had during work, and along with Herceptin. I purposefully put my planning period at the end of the day so I could go to the doctor and receive treatment. I'm thankful I had some understanding administrators...unfortunately I can't say the same about my coworkers. I remember someone saying to a coworker of mine, "She just uses the fact that she had cancer to leave early." Um...well yeah...I have chemo every three weeks. I have to get blood drawn first, see the doctor first, then they have to stick me and drain a toxic liquid into my body for about an hour and a half, so yes....I left DURING MY PLANNING PERIOD to do that....just so happens it was at the end of the day...get over it! If people were going to be in my business that much they could have at least INVESTED dammit. I will let you in on it if you want to pick up the next medical bill that comes in my mailbox in exchange for the mass amount of shit people talked about me.

Nausea,pain,water retention fun

People on the news (that I rarely watch because of such a busy Real Housewives/Bravo/VH1 tv schedule...I like to keep my tv life as upbeat and drama filled as possible) always like to talk about "What's wrong with America?!" Well allow this Boob Chica to tell you: PEOPLE DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT ANYONE ANYMORE. There you have it...and that was free, no need to buy a book for that little tidbit. I mean I returned to work, not wanting sympathy or recognition, just wanting to do my job; however, there were times when I felt that to be extremely difficult....especially in the first 8 months I was back. Why? MY BODY WAS  WRECK, it had just gone through battle, still receiving treatment, recovering from surgeries, one of which was the first month back...as if I had any control. My potassium levels never recovered so I would dehydrate easily, my vitamin D level was almost in single digits, and working a 9 hour day was hard. Their lack of support made it harder. Their continuous gossip annoyed me, especially when people got called out. One of my coworkers was diagnosed with cancer (Lymphoma) in October, she went through some of the same shit. She had to stick it out and work as often as possible, but when she was out people complained....and I just thought...really people? Most people didn't know that after the bell there was a mad dash for me to start driving just so I could pull over in the Target parking lot and sleep. I did that almost every day for the first 8 weeks of school. There were whispers "Oh she's leaving, she doesn't care." Um ok, whatever. I stayed late for one of those "mandatory" nights (even though my husband told me not to) and my legs were so swollen by the time I got home I could barely walk, I was so swollen and exhausted
. I was in such pain when I got up in the morning I almost couldn't walk down the stairs, my feet and legs had blown up, retaining water because I had been on my feet for so long the day before. I felt like a fool, was it worth it? No.

After 8 weeks I was able to drive home and fall asleep like a normal person in my bed. I couldn't keep up with cooking, or cleaning, or laundry. I was just so tired. Finally we got a maid to help, thank God my husband was supportive and helped fill in the gaps, along with Mrs. Elvira. I never took work home, what was the point? I just slept! I was nauseous just driving, which led to vomit, which led to dehydration, which landed my happy ass in the infusion room for fluids on occasion and in the ER with an awful bladder infection and stomach bug/food poisoning. It would take me forever to recover from ANYTHING! I remember throwing up 3 days straight and having my onc pump me fool of steroids and fluids just to get me through the week and then again to get me through the weekend. That's the crazy kind of shit I would do...just to be able to go to work without collapsing.

My weekend regimen

My nurse friend told me that my exhaustion was from not giving my body rest in between surgery and Herceptin. I felt I couldn't...people were talking, I needed to try my best to just get through. It wasn't until my vitamin D results came back in January that I realized how ragged I had been running myself. The doctor was shocked I could still function on a vitamin level of 14 and my dehydration. A normal Vit D is higher than 50. Sigh, how long had I been going like this? Then I'd get another stomach bug. I remember running across the hall to throw up and just begging God to let me hang in there for a few more hours. I don't know why stomach viruses hit me hard, but it was hard as hell to be rid of them. No matter the probiotic that was the one thing that really affected me post chemo treatment. I was worried about the flu, I should have been worried about the pukes!

The long of the short is that I made it through. Deep down I wasn't ready to return to work. The car accident in April of last year and the blood clot in June of last year were debilitating, and in retrospect I wish I would have taken another year off to recoup, from the ordeal, which turned into two more ordeals and me having two surgeries during peak times at work. I just wanted to forget my whole marathon of health and thought that diving headfirst into work was the answer...boy was I wrong. My advice to people who find themselves in the same situation: BE KIND to yourself. REST. Take a break, you've EARNED it. Being off of work recovering from cancer, chemo, and surgery DOES NOT equal rest or time off. It's easier said than done, but the first five years are crucial and being as stress free ass possible is important. Only do what you can handle.

Well, that's all folks, your girl is recovering from her eyeliner tats, and it's time for some ice!

Peace and foob sweat,

xoxo,

The Boob Chica