Hopeful

"Be hopeful, yes I am hopeful for today. 

Take this music, and use it let it take you away

and be hopeful, hopeful

and He'll make a way 

I know it ain't easy, but that's ok"

Look who's sneaking turkey from  the
roasting pan!

I survived Turkey Day. New found respect to women who have to do this shit every year, BIG UPS! This year was my first and having to navigate a 22 pound turkey, 20 pound ham, side dishes, ordering pies, making trifle two dogs, a husband, and 13 people was a little cray cray, but I got it done. I knew when I logged off I wasn't going to get to pass out like I wanted...I got sick, then woke up sick. UGH! I put on my sumo sized panties at 7 am and got to work. 

1. Javi helped me take the turkey out of the brine

2. I thoroughly washed it

3. Patted it dry

4. stuffed legs in culo and  wings in and let that shit bake on 300 for the next 4 and a half hours. 

5. Put cloves in ham intersections

6. Glaze with Orange Juice, Molasses, Honey, and Maple Syrup

7. Put on 325 for and hour and a half....for 20.

Back to turkey

8 Add butter and jack up to 375 to brown for 25 minutes

PERFECT FUCKING TURKEY. May I suggest the Apple and Spice bine from Williams Sonoma (order it in October, it always sells out for the season by the first week in November) and a box of their brining bags. I added Apple Cider to the brine as well as water and I do have to say, it was the most fragrant, seasoned, and juicy turkey I've ever eaten. How bad ass that I made it myself! Javi wants me to try out for Masterchef, he thinks my food is the bomb.com and while I'd LOVE to do it I ain't got time for that!

Mustering the strength to beat my face

After I placed it in the oven I needed a nausea pill big time, there were already bodily fluid casualties and I just couldn't afford to lose a battle on Thanksgiving. Those knock me out almost instantaneously so I was out until around 10ish. Mom came and saw I was groggy and 5 shades lighter lol and panicked. She was making the stuffing (I don't do bread that's wet) and the gravy for me to help out as well as clean up a little while I put the pre cloved ham in the oven (Thank God for double ovens). Javi vacuumed while watching the parade, dog show, and football. Best husband ever!

Love being aunt Viv to these munchkins!

I feel so pale. Ugh, I threw the wig on and a tunic dress (from Lulus) and hoped for the best! I was exhausted and really didn't want to host anyone I couldn't wear house shoes and sweats in front of, but my parents are some conservative people who INSIST on dressing for dinner, so that was out the window. Elisama next time no parents, just US some paper plates and as house shoes ok?! Because sometimes a girl just doesn't give a damn about how she looks and is over throwing a hot ass wig on when she'd just rather scarf it up. But we all know as the Pilgrims (thieving ass bastards) were raping and pillaging (farming and borrowing) land from the indigenous of this country and they shared that now famous First Thanksgiving you don't see a girl with a barf bag in tow, or a headscarf so I figured to mark this momentous day of "coming together just to eventually drive apart" a wig was my best option. 

Besides...my lil boyfriend was here and I couldn't look a hot mess for him! Love me some Esteban and Isa aka BEST KIDS EVA......that's why they were in our wedding :)

 Chemo means more shit,
puke, hot flashes, runny
noses, burning inside and out,
taste gone, bleeding
gumsfatigue, sore bones...BUT
Chemo means more birthdays..where
I can act a FOOL! 

So I am very hopeful considering everything that's going on. FIRST my tumor is smaller! So much to be thankful for there. The chemo seems to be working, I literally think I'm puking and or shitting the tumor out...SO BRING ON CHEMO PART DEUX I am ready to be rid of it! But I'm glad that I have been so full of hope to think WHY NOT ME instead of WHY ME. That whole "I can't believe this is happening to me" is just so not ME. If it is you, that's great, if it ain't you know what the hell I'm talking about. Shit happens to everyone, the good, the bad, to people who deserve it, and to people who don't. How you handle the situation really defines why what happened to you happened in the first place. There are no accidents in life, only situations where you can choose to make the best out of it. This situation sucks but has taught me a lot, now people know that

1. You can be healthy and get breast cancer at 30.

2. You should do self breast exams monthly.

3. If you have a family history fight your insurance company to start your screenings early. 35 is not early enough, in my case 30 wasn't, but it's a great starting point. 

4. Find out if you have dense breasts. Remember that density does not always equal size. This may require an x-ray, pay it, you want to know. The denser the boob, the harder the cancer is to catch. 

5. You should always have a savings, because you never know when you are going to need that shit!

While I started out taking about hope I really want to end with thanks. I am most thankful for my husband, my rock, my sexy wubby Javier. He's awesome and is as much in the struggle with me as I am. He cooks, he cleans, he has assumed my responsibilities, and he doesn't even know how much he's helped me. Thanks babe! Love ya! God he's so HOT!

I'm also thankful for BROWS!

Gobble Gobble

22 lbs of Butterball n' Brine Bitches!

I'm so sleepy! I spent the majority of the day yelling at Javier (not a joke). Well not yelling, just being frustrated...and bitchy. I'll admit it I was a bitch today. I have cancer, so there I get to be a card carrying member of the bitch girl club! Sorry Javi! <3 ya!

 This is our first Thanksgiving and I wanted everything to be perfect. It's not, but that's ok. I just didn't have any Xanax in my system today, so naturally I didn't realize that was ok when I should have. LOL. Posh pies were picked up, dogs were groomed, the house was swept, mopped, then swept again, then vacuumed (thanks to the Akita). Pumpkin gingerbread trifle was made, turkey had been brining (over 24 hours now), bathrooms cleaned. It's the calm before the storm. 

Side note....I MADE MY OWN WHIPPED CREAM. OMG everyone needs to make their own DON'T EVA EVA BUY IT IN A CAN AGAIN. Whipping cream goodness, I ate half of it in the stand mixer bowl. I made extra (on purpose) and I'm glad I did. There was barely enough for the trifle, but it was enough. 

So this is a short blog post. Today's weather report: Cloudy with a chance of shedding pubic hair, but as for right now, that's all I'm losing.  T minus one week until Chemo Infusion II aka C-Day 2 aka burn fest part deux. Very thankful for errybody...

but mostly for my BROWS!

HAPPY TURKEY DAY BITCHES!

Holy Inappropriateness

Getting Chemo...LIKE A BOSS

So let me just warn you, if you aren't a fan of context clues, it's about to go down. And by down, I mean way down...as in VAGINA! So I want to do a review on Chemo Cold Caps, you know, the sub zero helmet I use for 8ish hours  before, during, and after chemo. What it does is freeze the blood vessels/hair follicles in my scalp so that I can keep the majority of my hair. I don't think I can really do an accurate review until I'm done with my 6 treatments, but I will do a mini review after my next chemo session. With that being said two weeks after chemo I haven't noticed any changes to the top of my head, which is awesome...however...this post is about my other head.

I'm serious this shit is X rated, so turn the fuck around if you can't handle it!

<3 one of our first official photos when we were dating lol.
I had just hacked off my hair from boob length to shoulders

It's snowing pubic hair, hallelujah! Like errywhere! Well mostly in my tights/underwear/toilet so not quite errywhere. It feels like errywhere though. I say this as comically as possible, but like, not really. So yesterday I pull down my pants (and by pants I mean tights) to use the restroom. Low and behold, for some reason I have underwear on. Normally I go sans chones, but with the recent changes (surprises) in urinary and bowel function, I felt as if I needed an extra layer of support (protection). LOL. I laugh because that's all I can really do. Anyways. Apparently my spruce tree had lost some needles. Do spruce trees even have needles or are they technically leaves? Well what the fuck ever you know what I mean. Hmmm. Strange. I go to wipe...HAIR. Front door AND back door. Oh shit, it's really happening...my hair is falling out. There is some chemo that makes you lose your hair, and some that does not. Of the now four drugs am taking all of them make me feel like shit (literally) and one of them makes you lose ALL of your hair. I've been taking steps to preserve my brows, lashes, and of course hair hair, but as far as other regions well, I've been waiting it out. Well, the wait is over and I feel...anxious. Yes it's just down there and yes I used to spend 45 bones every 4 weeks ripping that shit off, well...having Corrie rip that shit off, but still. I thought the burn would be the worst side effect, but...I don't know...

Side Eye from the Queen B of shade

It's really coming out today, like...it's noticeable.  I'm scared to wash my hair because I'm worried to see hair going down the drain. Hell I'm scared to wash my kitty because I don't want to see it going down the drain either. I find myself getting up and running to the bathroom to see if I have any brows left, to see if I even have lashes, to see if I'm bald. This feels awful. The doctor said that the chemo I'm on impacts both heads, sometimes brows, sometimes lashes, sometimes hair on arms and legs. That's that bull. I'm not a girl that enjoys a full bush, but WTF not one time did she say upper lip hair or underarms. What do you mean sometimes legs? Why not ALL THE TIME LEGS? I mean this is CRAY. So recap, cancer will make me loose my tits, potentially (but hopefully not due to crazy freezing measures) my hair on my head, my hair on my snatch, my sanity, our savings, BUT NO MENTION OF UNDER ARM OR UPPER LIP hair. In fact, I plucked today! Facial hair is gripping to that follicle so hard that sometimes my Tweezerman throws in the towel! I looked under my arms, did a lil yank...SHIT IS STILL THERE! Not one hair came out. Comical isn't it. Major major side eye with a 100% chance of shade.

PS: I had diarrhea all day today, and boy did it BURN! My nose is runny runny runny! Fatigue...was bad. But on that note, I'm going out to finish up my Thanksgiving shopping...LIKE A BOSS. I made brine for my turkey that is gong to be submerged for 36 hours starting at 7pm!!

So that's my little inappropriate post of the day. St. Peregrine, along with the help of my Blessed Mother and My Lord and God please help me fight this...and keep this completely inappropriate sense of humor :)

Girl Talk and Dirty Laundry

Big UPS to Beth DV for the soup n' swag!
Vegan brownies rock my socks off!

But first, your daily cancer report. For all my people going through chemo some MUST HAVES include:

1. Baking soda/dilute mouth wash rinse several times a day.
2. HEAVY moisturizer for the face, I'm using Eminence Guava, it's super heavy. Moisturize often. My face is flake city! I'm looking into face oils from Sephora tomorrow.
3. Body butter, put one in every room and slather it on every hour on the hour...everywhere...and I mean everywhere. You will be dry!
4. Lip moisturizer. A lot. Put it in your nightstand, in your car, and your kitchen table. The corners of your lips are important. Your lips may burn, be prepared. MINE SCALDED! Do not pick at it either it makes it worse!
5. Coconut water and my ginger lemon water. Hydrate hydrate hydrate.
6. A friend named Beth to make you vegan brownies, teehee. Kym provides great entertainment too!

Gone with the WIND fabulous! TWIRL

7. Vitamin E cream/oil for your port scar, because that shit is ugly! Just because you have cancer doesn't mean you should accept the fact that you may scar!
8. Beer, for your husband lol :)
9. Desitin and baby wipes...use your imagination...also Vaseline works as well....for both ends
10. Really bad TV...because life could always be worse! You could have just found out that the man you've been with for YEARS just married some skank a few months ago!
11. Stay in front of the nausea/anxiety/pain and medicate medicate medicate.

Medicate now and worry about going to rehab later, that is totally my motto! Use responsibly, but DO USE. If you wait till the pain/nausea/pukes/whateva to kick in to take somthing it'll be TOO LATE!

12. Tights. Because everyone needs pants that are easy access and comfy. Also, don't wear underwear...what's the point? Gotta keep the nether regions as cool as possible, as dry as possible, and as airy as possible!

He can grill, but can he cook? Time will tell!

Sleeping meds are a must, along with anxiety pills. I totes missed a dosage today, so I was on edge all day long and there were casualties. This is war after all.  Even though the nausea meds make me tired for some reason I have issues getting comfortable at night (I take a nausea med in the morning, afternoon, and at night).  I think I'm having post traumatic stress from all the run ins with my toilet last week. LOL. I'm averaging about 6 hours, last night I went to bed past midnight because I couldn't get comfy (was also talking to myself), and I woke up around 8ish, I groggy, but I was up. I'm feeling nausea and fatigued today. Major fatigue. Going up and down the stairs poses a problem, but I've got to get over it because Thanksgiving is coming bitches! The turkey is defrosting and the ham is ready for cloves and a blow torch. Tomorrow morning I have to make brine, shop for groceries (that mom was suppose to help me do on Saturday, but she's not reliable....BIG SURPRISE THERE), and clean the downstairs.

Don't you hate when people tell you what to eat? OMG if you eat this you will feel so much better! Um no idiot, it's either going to get puked up or get shit up, but whichever end it's going to come out, it's going to come out for a vengeance! WOOOHOOOO 3 DAYS WITH NO PUKE! I think it's the acorn squash soup which is SOOOOOO YUMMY!

Like this, only my hair ain't WHITE! LOL

Today my hair started coming out, thankfully not from my head but from my kitty. Sigh, I have gotten Brazilian waxes for the last almost 4 years and now it's coming out for free 99. Every month I'd go see my girl and she's make me into a baby again both on my face and on my *ahem*. I felt freaked out to see it just come out, as if I was shedding like my Akita. I feel...nervous. I'm so anxious about my head...it sounds silly I know but I'm super scared and freaked out. Xanax is a must, no more going without because I'm going to need that shit to get me through the family/inlaws during the holidays. LOL

Javi's cooking dinner right now...it's so cute because you would think he was making fillet mignon lol,
but for all the women out there who do the majority of the cooking, hamburger helper is fillet mignon.....ok so no it's not. That's like saying grape juice is wine and it most certainly is NOT. Speaking of wine, I totally felt myself gulping more of the blood of Christ than usual on Sunday. Is it just coincidence or an absence of the sauce from my life causing me to OD on Jesus? I WILL NEVA' TELL!

Bitches drive me to drink. Now that's a lie,
I drive myself! NOM NOM NOM I miss
margarita Mondays :(

I'd like to get some thing off my chest...while I still have a chest to get things off of (rim shot!). I realize that my family and in laws may read this. I realize that you may be pissed, but I need you to know that it's not about you. You should be more supportive, but you're not. How quick have people (both friends and family) turned my situation into their situation. It's funny when someone tells you how bad they feel. It's straight up comical. Do you realize how foolish you sound, telling the person going through chemo how bad you feel?

 NEW RULE

 You don't get to tell me that....or my husband that. I can hear family/inlaws now...I can't believe you didn't tell us! WHY. Because you have been so supportive? Of Javi? Of me? Did you think I could trust you to help me pick out wigs? Or listen to me pouring out my soul when you've been so busy making things about you? I wish when my dad heard I had cancer he came back for my first chemo treatment instead of picking up my moms new Mercedes SUV from Florida. I wish he would call me to see how I'm doing. I wish my mom was on time to things...like my Mass for starters. I wish I meant more to you than showing up late when you live 5 minutes away. She felt bad she said, she was soooooooo sick she said. She thought she was going to have to go to the hospital she said. It's always like a competition, who feels worse. Well guess what, my hair is falling out, I've been burned from the inside out, it bleeds when I use the restroom or even brush my teeth. I WIN. You don't get to tell me what are my babies going to drink because I'm having both boobs cut off, you sound insensitive. As bad as what you're saying to me is, I know that my MIL and sisters would be worse, so you're off the hook there. I can't wait to start fielding questions from that side about why we are waiting to have kids...

How bout them mutha' fuckin' Cowboys!
A year ago we spent Thanksgiving with them
and Crown Royal. 

People also need to get off my husband, because I besides all of this he did lose his dad in March of this year unexpectedly right before we got married. I do realize some people think that it was more difficult
for them than him, but it's not. Work has been so difficult for him (merger/acquisition difficult), then staying up all night with me has been bad. I swear he wakes up through the night just to make sure I'm ok and not puking or hacking, or moaning in pain, he's so used to me not being ok. I feel bad because in T minus 8 days, he's got to go back to cleaning my puke...among other things. LOL I always told him I'd get him back for the drunken nights of having to pull over while on the highway to let him puke all over Highland Park...but didn't think it would be like this. If he doesn't answer the phone, or text you back, or acknowledge your presence, you need to get over that shit. You sound like a pussy. And like my older brotha' from anotha' mutha' Goldie says "ain't nobody got time for that!" The last thing he wants to do when he gets home is talk to anyone, cut him some slack. If you diss him I will cut your fucking head off...I'm that psycho of a wife.

So now that I've aired some of my laundry (is it dirty if it's true) what should you do with that? Well...be supportive. MORE supportive. Realize that it's not happening to you, it's happening to us. My family is of four. My dogs. My husband. Not you my parents, siblings, and friends. This isn't happening to you directly. If you are not going to be 100% supportive, here for the ride, then you just shouldn't be here. We don't need the kind of support where you are there one second and then gone the next...to the point where you don't even call of text. I'm sorry that my situation isnt' convenient to you, but the in and out is very hurtful. That's not ok. I have friends that text me every day from sun up to sun down and more than they know it, it helps me out. I like when they ambush me in my house, it forces me to be more positive and to keep things semi clean lol. I get cards from strangers, how cool is that. Ladies that don't even know me are cheering for me, praying for me. I like that, it's necessary, and it shows that you really give a damn. One thing that you don't see in the commercials (with the women holding hands and singing) is the people who turn their back on you when you need them the most. It happens when you have cancer, and it's a damn shame.

"If a friend is in trouble, don't annoy him by asking if there is anything you can do.  Think up something appropriate and do it."

34F

Flax and Chia Seed +raw vegan goodies..
LIKE A BOSS

When you get diagnosed with IDC everyone is a professional. Like.....seriously. That's one of the reasons I've kept things so DL, because people say the stupidest of shit. I just have to get down to the heart of the matter because I'm like busting at the seems...like literally my port incision looks like it's going to bust open lol. Not all chemo is created equal. There are many a different treatment, like really there isn't just ONE chemo drug, there are multiple, with multiple side effects. When you ask me the day after I get chemo whether or not I'm going to be at work because your neighbors mamas sisters cousins friend had chemo and worked the whole time you sound like a straight up DICK. You know what, you're right! I should be at work right now....my 'ol fatigued nauseous ass is just faking. Ugh I already feel like I told one too many people you know? Now I have to hear this stupid ass shit on the regular!

Why am I not having surgery first? That's what that lady from TV did. Well, because they kind of sort of want to kill everything first before they take off both of my tits. It's not surgery for a nose job. It's not an in an out, simple procedure. BILATERAL MASTECTOMY BITCHES. If you haven't gotten one, please STFU just STFU because you sound sooooooooooooooooooo stupid and insensitive. I'm 30 and losing 34F's. 6 rounds of psycho killer chemo, plus removal of both my breasts, plus expanding of my new breasts, plus new breasts. That's a whole lot of shit right there...and it's actually the norm for a 30 year old with IDC.

 Last night was the first night in a week and a half I didn't vomit/shit/feel nausea all night long. I know you were happy to get all that sleep Javi! My gift to you boo! <3 ya. This morning was only the second morning that I haven't woken up feeling like shit. Thanks be to GOD! Today I thought I was going to have the bull by it's ass! Woke up: LIKE A BOSS, ordered pies for Thanksgiving from that posh overpriced pie shop in the Bishop Arts District: LIKE A SNOBBY BOSS, felt good: LIKE A BOSS, ate grass and berries: LIKE A VEGAN BOSS, went to moms house to help with paella shopping: LIKE A BOSS.....

Thanks to the men in my life for helping me out!
Look at my wine on the counter...sigh. WINE!

wait....noon hits...ugh no longer a boss. Less than boss, total un boss. I felt bad, I was headed up to the job to visit with some of my friends, then get my lashes did (sigh, may be my LAST lash fill till Feb...depending on whether the big T fucks with my lashes). I walked into Holly's and she was like giiirrrrllllllll you ok?! She took care of me though and I walked out feeling much better than when I walked in. I think it was the chair!

Truth be told....I didn't take ALL my nausea meds this morning...because they take the little energy I have and don't make me feel very good at all. I thought I'd be ok without them...but I wasn't. I take about 10 pills a day to "function normally" but I'm not really functioning lol. I hate taking pills and really wanted to get some things done today. If you haven't been there, it's difficult to understand. The meds make you feel "better," but it comes at a cost. I can take them and not have it coming out of both ends, but as a result I'm exhausted and can't do much....or I can go without and feel bad every 30 minutes with 5-10 minute spurts of feeling good...yet still be exhausted! It is what it is. As soon as I got home I took the rest of my meds and promptly knocked out to the sounds of the Texas 34 degree rain as my 100 plus pound Akita farted his heart out. Ugh, he's so cute, but my big man can cause quite a stink!

Wrecking Ball

My nurse last night

Sweet Sassy Molassy do I have a lot to say. First, I feel like shit. Second, I feel like shit. I went to the oncologist yesterday for a checkup and my exact words were "Dude,  I didn't think it would be this bad." I hobbled in that motherfucker. LIKE HOBBLED IN! The receptionist (who also has cancer) was like uh oh, one of those days huh? Bitch YES! It's actually been one of those weeks.  She was nice enough to get me a much more posh barf bag contraption in case the proverbial shit hit the fan in the waiting room. Thank GOD no other patients were there yet! So for the last two nights all hell has broken loose. Poor Javi was up with me practically all Tuesday night. I honestly didn't think I had anything else to give the porcelain Gods, when in doubt, YOU DO HAVE SOMETHING ELSE TO GIVE. He was so tired the next morning he thought he dreamt/sleep walked the whole thing. Haha, no boo, this nightmare is real you  did see your new wife pull an exorcist reenactment in the bathroom!

All you chicks singing Miley's Wrecking Ball in your car, you have no idea. Chemo is the mother of all wrecking balls, and it burns you from the inside out. I think that I could recover from an Anderson Silva knockout, better/faster than this. So now, to yesterday.

So aside from the regurgitation and shit (from grad school language to the streets, sigh), my blood work looked good! The tumor has lost some of it's size, it feels flatter, and has been harder to find. It started out 2cm and she's aiming to have it GONE before surgery. Before I literally could feel it without looking so to speak, yesterday the doctor had to go searching for it. All this craziness has been worth it! My next infustion is in two weeks and they are going to add another chemo to the list, so I'll be taking 4 meds instead of 3. Last chemo infusion day is 2/13/14. Happy day before Valentine's Day to me!

MEH!

So I was prescribed 3 nausea medications, one of which that starts with an O that came with a huge disclaimer *Will Cause Headaches.* Ummm BYE FELICIA. I get really bad migraines as it is, and didn't want to add that to the mix. Well turns out that's what I had during my first chemo infusion so I took the leap and felt so much better. I was even able to sleep a little in the afternoon. My sister came over and we tried on wigs, talked to some shit, then went to Whole Foods and Trader Joes to get some essentials. I dropped her off at my psycho ass parents house, then came home to Javi who had been wondering where I was at! Still felt great! Took three bites of Chipotle, still felt great. Watched Preachers of LA (idiotic show), took my meds, went to sleep.

Then it got real in the San P master bedroom around 4am. LAWD! Javi called from the bedroom and all I could think was, poor guy, another night of not enough sleep? NO WAY! So I told him all was good. Hunter (our 4 year old Akita)  followed me into the bathroom and I figured I'd be ok that if things got bad and I like passed out or something he'd go get Javier. So I basically threw up everything I ate in the last 72 hours that I didn't evacuated out the hole! It was bad! You know when you basically have to submit to the sphincter muscles that send that crap north and just realize that you have to brace yourself because it's coming and you have to keep yourself up as long as it lasts. It lasted a damn while. After I was done I just sat down and laid my head against the wall...I do the same thing when I'm hungover! Sigh, when I USED to be hungover. I MISS YOU WINE! Another blah night! NOOOOOO!

So I was able to get a little more sleep, then move myself from the bed to the couch. Clinging to it for dear life, drinking my ginger water to stay hydrated, and um, you know....MEH! I wanted to go grocery shopping for Thanksgiving today....NOT going to happen. Tomorrow will be a better day, IT WILL! Until then, hopefully no more vomit rain! I'm cautiously optimistic.

Update:

Things that make me vomit: errythang
Things that give me diahrrea: errythang
Mouth: less sore, taste is back
Lips: less chapped
Stomach: a hot ass mess
Hair: Still on my head, and everywhere else for that matter
Feeling: really fatigued, but still gangsta!

Oh chemo "All you ever did was, wreck me" but that's the way it goes. Peace and peace!

Boob Chica Confessions

I am in so much trouble with Javier right now! Today was a really meh day. I woke up with chapped lips (like I've been skiing the Alps for the last week with no sun screen prevention chapped), my throat felt like strep, and everything from mouth to toes burned. Well not toes, but it's too early in the blog entry to get graphic...not really, but I'm trying to turn over a new leaf!

Me on our honeymoon. The resort was happy to see me
leave, I was eating them out of HOUSE and HOME!

So back to why I'm in trouble. Ugh, I woke up feeling bad so Javi didn't push me to go jogging....UM DUDE THAT IS NOT WHAT WE TALKED ABOUT YESTERDAY! I was groaning and moaning all day, so when my face lit up when I was talking about Pluckers (if you went to UT, you know Pluckers), my hubby took the bait. Pluckers is the reason I gained 28 pounds my freshmen first SEMESTER. Yes, I said FIRST SEMESTER! So what I'm basically trying to say is that I'm addicted to food....and drink. Yes, I am suppose to be eating only chloro-phylled  (tee hee I made a science funny) organic grass fed dandelions, but when you have been puking and shitting (ok I totes lied about the new leaf) FO' DAYZ the light at the end of the tunnel was a sauce drenched teriyaki wing. Three (or was it four) to be exact.

I'm dreaming of a MOJITO!

Sorry................I'm not sorry

But I will be in a short period of time, you better BELIEVE THAT! So Javi gave me a talking to, sigh, he's so cute when he's laying down the law! He told me after the wings are done it's healthy ONLY for me! So that was my confession for today. I ATE WANGZ! LOL. Tomorrow I can't wait to wake up to that green smoothie you are going to make me boo! I'm going to suck that bad boy down like a mojito from my fav restaurant in Manhattan. NOM! So, that's really all.

No I lied, it's not! I see my fav mayor got stripped of his duties today. That really makes me sad :( First, I wasn't aware that mayors had any official "power" so to speak other than being the official ribbon snipper, first convertible in the town parade, and a lil government cash at their expense that they could use at their disposal and then lie about needing more lol. Leave him there, he makes me laugh! Since my home town of Toronto did that I am forced to get all of my amusement from Bravo and Love and Hip Hop NY. Why did it take cancer for me to discover this show? Lord, it's a mess!

Sigh, back to cancer. I'm hoping for a better day tomorrow.

Stats: Less pukey today, nausea like a mofo, IT BURNS BATMAN, back door blah, my skin feels tender, hair in tact (washed it today, took forever), my body is getting used to the port FINALLY (Scheanna is no longer the baddest bitch), and of course, the chapness is REAL. Sense of humor is kicking, I may be down but I'm not out =)

Peace and empanada grease! Oh and green smoothie bottoms up!

PS: "I don't like food I love food, if I don't love it, I don't SWALLOW!" Sigh, going to have to abandon my Ratatouille slogan for a little bit :)

Big UPS to all my Luvas!

Thanks for the slippers Kym

Just got home from church/football Sunday food shopping (I may be down, but I'm not out) and I  feel the need for a Mass shout out.

 <insert visual of Boob Chica, holding boob Oscar, in Oscar speech voice here>

I'd like to kick a shout out to all my supporters out there! Javi, Mom/Dad, Patty, Mita (my mean lips sister), Richie Rich aka Goldie Loc aka Great White Hope, Kym, Angelique, Akon, my Prince of Peace Catholic Church family, my coworkers, Shelbs, Lori (the survivor), The Ku Family, the Aleman-Ward Family, Fr. Tom, Fr. Marco, and anyone else that I may have forgotten or I don't even know that's out there in my corner. I am extremely grateful for your well wishes, prayers, thoughts, cards, donations, etc, etc, etc. Fr. Tom was notified of my biopsy and prayed with me and I let Fr. Marco (please check him out, he's so AWESOME and he's young :) in on the results and he anointed me this morning. For all you Catholics out there, it's called the Anointing of the Sick, made me feel strongaaaaa!

Not bad for 3 days post chemo, but who am
I kidding...this shit is embarrassing!

     We went to 8AM Mass (which in itself is an act of God), didn't want to run into my kiddos (I'm a children's catechist....don't look so surprised and I know they have been missing me!), and answer questions. My group this year is the most inquisitive EVA and rather than just sit there and go over the usual catechism, I take time out to answer their questions. I get so many good ones from "Who goes up and who goes down," to "What is leprosy?" I'm the kind of gal who likes to stop what she's doing and just answer them. It's the most enjoyable! Kids should always be the ones to drive learning. Anyways, I'm trying to avoid out of areas with a lot of people, trying to stay as healthy as possible. My days have been good and bad. Yesterday was the best day yet! I woke up feeling a little better than ok so I took full advantage.

I worked out

He's FIRED! He is too cute to
work out anyways!

Before you start hatin' (LOL) I talked to my doctor and she said that working out was fine, just NOT in a gym (where all the germs live). I had been on week 4/5ish of Couch to 5k two weeks ago and kicking some serious ass. I simply started over at week 1 day 1 to start slow. I was going to go with my friend Celi, but was worried that I would embarrass myself, start puking, etc. I have a rep to maintain, don't want my street cred to vanish! It was HARD, man that fatigue had me by the proverbial balls, but I made it. My partner on the other hand, who has been fired, held me back at the very end. I'm trying to do it three days a week... trying. After the workout I felt good.....then bad....then fatigued like a mofo, then fine as I talked it up with Kym. I was even down for seeing UFC GSP (OOOOOOO CAAAANADDAAA), but then the meh feeling came back. Javi gets so worried. I think he's worried about me being out and then puking everywhere! Poor thing lol. We ended up just staying home and watching Monsters University. Cute movie.

My new margarita!

So how chemo works (for those of you that don't know) is that it basically kills errythang. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Most people when they think of chemo they think of hair loss and puking. As I talked about in my previous post, it's a whole lot of poop too! LOL. The burning, unfortunately, has not subsided. Just call me Katniss Everdine THE GIRL ON FIRE! I expect to feel the pukey/poopy/nausea for the next couple of days, but it is evident now that fatigue is definitely the hardest side effect of all. As my doctor said, you'll start to feel better right before your next session! I appreciate her honestly, but what a bitch ass thing to say lol! I am tired, yet cannot sleep, it's really not my fav. My poor gums are sore, I try to rinse with diluted mouth wash a couple of times a day to help out. Other than that, I'm ok. Still have my sense of humor. OMG speaking of humor BIG UPS to the mayor of Toronto for crack(ing) me up. He's a hotter mess than me right now! Bwahahaha, I've got plenty to eat at home, ol inappropriate ass! As for my eating, it is touch and go. The green smoothies are cool and taste ok (lesbihonest, it's not Jamba Juice). I craved chocolate so bad the other day, had a small piece and felt disgusting! I had my mom chop up lemon and half of a ginger and put it in one of those huge vats of water. The water with infused ginger and lemon REALLY DID and has helped me with my nausea. Forget pills and just stick to ginger fellow pink ribbon ladies!

Well, that's really it from here. Gearing up for football Sunday here! GO COWBOYS! lol, I kid, we are on a bye...no disappointments in Dallas today :) Thanks for everything!

WARNING graphic chemo details don't read if you are a WUSS!

Day after chemo, before Lupron and some other shot
went in my ass thigh, but really MY ASS!

Oh Chemo drugs, I love to hate you bitches! I didn't blog yesterday...because shit started to get real. I felt fine after chemo, except for the lovely taste of terapia in my mouth. YUCK! Then my stomach felt as if I had one to many margaritas. You know the feeling. Full, then empty, then burning, then meh.

The night was rough, I felt so bad, like drunk/hangover bad. I was so nauseous but was determined to stay anchored to my bed because I knew if I got off shit was going to hit the fan...like for real and not for fake. I made it through the night but got out of bed ready to unleash the fury! I had barely slept, just focused on trying to keep everything in...it didn't stay like that for long...it was ready to come out!

Sometimes I wish when they told you to bring your ass to the hospital at 8:00 they meant 8:00 like regular working people time and not Cuban time. I live in Dallas, not in Miami, I realize that there is a 15 minute "grace/635/alarm/accident/Boob Chica" window to where it's acceptable to be just a little late. But an hour and 5 minutes? Oh no MA'AM! A girl got up, beat the face, put on her riding boots and her new wig just for y'all! Plus I felt bad. It's so embarrassing to be given a barf tub while waiting in the hospital radiology wing. Yes you, with your perfect complexion and your red hair, you were worried about me fucking up your factory carpet with my pukes and gags weren't you? THANKS for drawing even more attention to me....I jacked the plastic barf tub that I didn't end up using! HA! Maturity....at it's finest. So yeah I got my radioactive shot late, which meant I got my scan late, and had to run to the oncology office (late) to get my WBC shot in one cheek and Lupron shot in the other. Got to send my ovaries into a dormant state people.

Chemo infusion Herceptin,
Taxotere, Prejeta (new)

Why is it no one really talks about the diarrhea aspect of chemo. Like SERIOUSLY! Stop leaving that out of the commercials with the women in pink holding hands and singing! IT IS A LOT AND IT IS BAD! I bet I fit in some pants that didn't fit me last week. LOL I laugh, to keep from crying. You'd honestly think that I was eating tons of Valentina (hot sauce for all you 'muricans) because this girl was on FIIIYAAAAA! It literally feels as if I'm burning from the inside out. Don't eat, it burns, eat, it burns, don't drink, it burns, drink, it burns, suck on ice, it burns, I mean I can't quite figure out my cracker to water ratio to keep the burning at bay. Boob Chica is burning at both ends...wasn't aware I'd be both spitting and shitting fire! Don't get me started on the nausea meds...they work as much as diet pills. I'm hoping that some ginger in this green smoothie that's suppose to cure me of ALL helps me out in that department. Cabbage, spinach, raspberries, banana, ginger, and water. I'm suppose to stay away from all things dairy and stick to raw vegan pure organic...which is naturally expensive lol! Why is cancer so damn EXPENSIVE!? Anyways, I'm hoping a more gentle diet will help me out in the side effect department. Mom ordered me these cookbooks and Javi and been searching the Internet for recipes. He's prepared to give up snacking on football Sunday in favor of these green smoothies...RIGHT BABE?

So here's a quick recap

1. I feel bad
2. I feel good (laughing)
3. Sorry I'm not much for talking on the phone
4. Side effects two days post are nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, bleeding gums, soreness of Scheana (port still), and my taste buds are....off. NO WATER DOESN'T TASTE LIKE WATER ANYMORE!
5. I haven't had the strength for a restart of couch to 5k :(
6. Yay Elisama and the Aleman-Ward crew came to visit me
7. Invansive Ductile Carcinoma will be henceforth referred to as IDC

Oh and if you are texting me about work.....I AM GOING TO IGNORE YOU! Just an FYI

Why I wore club makeup to my first day of chemo...who does she think she IS!?

You know those chicks that have full face (in the Latin-pronounced La-en) community we call it beat. Damn first LINE I'm already dissing and digressing! Blame it on the Key key key key key key chemo!

It's about to go DOWN (Old pic, still gangsta)

Anyways, you know those girls at 8:30am in the Wal-mart/Trader Joe/Whole Foods/Central Market (full socio economic produce gamut right thurrr) check out line with full face makeup that have already been to boot camp? You know them because you've talked mad shit about them. I know I have...OMG who does she think she is and where does she think she is? It's bad enough that I'm paying for overpriced stinky cheeses because I'm stress eating and lean meats for this new psycho diet I want to try in 6 and a half days to lose the 2 pounds I put on stress eating and I already am running into some heffa looking like she's ready for a Friday/Saturday night at Saint Ann! (Holy run on Batman) BITCH! Mirrraaaaa 'pa 'eso, y tu donde 'sta?  Well, NOW I get it, she was totally coming/going to chemo. I'm such a hater. NO MORE JUDGING!

So I barely slept last night, my Ambien and Xanax has already seemed to stop working. I went from getting 7 ish hours a night to 6 to 5 to 4 to um....like NADA last night. Must have been the stress. It happens. So I was up at 12, then 2 then 4 then 5, then 6:15ish and finally decided it was war paint time. What is it about being married where you feel the need to wake your spouse up when YOU can't sleep? So wrong, must stop that! LOL

 Makeup, beat, whatever you want to call it is fine but it really needs to be called WAR PAINT, because isn't it? I mean aren't we women all fighting some type of battle? Some of us are fighting what society wants us to look like, so we put some paint where it ain't. Some of us are fighting the woman in the mirror, we don't like what we see. Some of us are fighting the tears, the more eyeliner, the less we cry. Some of us are just fighting to remain fabulous and just like the MAC we buy! See I got this, but when you have cancer you have such a lack of control. Chemo Cold Caps=less hair loss, but there is still hair loss. Mastectomy=loss of breasts and even with reconstruction there is still loss. God is in control, but yet....the loss we face comes in waves that we feel the need to control, but we can't. Picture being on the Texas Giant, before they refurbished it. It was rickety, it was ups and downs, it was down right painful. You want off, it's no longer fun, but you can't get off until the ride is done. This is carcinoma ladies and gents (Did you know men account for a small percentage of breast cancer cases?).

So I wore full face, MAC foundation, concealer, pencil eyeliner, paint pot (painterly) with coastal scents 44 or 88 or whatever it was pallet in metallic goldish, and MAC bright red for my waterline, and finished it off with a little dark brown smoke. The blush was real, the lips were fiyaaaa and I looked fabulous. Good enough to get a 15 dollar drink at Winston's by a man who is not my husband! LOL I had the bull by it's ass today, because you've got to keep your spirits up. When you look good, you feel good, and even though my body is starting to ache, the nausea is kicking in, and Scheana (I named my port a stripper name) is getting in my way and causing me some pain, I'm feeling good. I was the youngest today at chemo, all my chemo sisters told me to keep it positive, that's the only way to do it...and ladies there is a way to do it. SNAP SNAP SNAP!

Port time...OUCH! Ways to help!

Sporting my VintageLookCreations Headband
http://www.etsy.com/shop/vintagelookcreations

Sigh, and I am not talking about wine! BUT I WISH I WAS! Am I the only one out there that finds them self lying stretching the truth when it comes to how many drinks they have in a week? *Ahem* I'm a social drinker....1-2 per week.....YEAH RIGHT! My glasses are like BIG GAL glasses. What do you mean the bottle is done? I've only filled it up twice!  It's not like I'm an alcoholic, but since school started and I found the lump I was averaging a lil more than I should have been (which wasn't no damn 1-2 glasses a week)....AT LEAST I DON'T SMOKE!

Bless me Father for I have sinned, I've been dishonest about the amount of drinks I've had per week. But during chemo I AM NOT going to drink AT ALL. Lucky for me my main vices are swearing and shopping on amazon/Etsy, and really bad TV and magazines which I can do in large quantities while being lit up by my chemo since it won't be hazardous to my health.

So this port thing, no joke. Shit hurts like a mutha fucka'! My friend Akon (yes the rapper/singer) just asked me what it was so let me explain. A port is basically a device placed inside the body (mine is in my upper right chest) that will be a direct line where I'll receive my chemo and other fluids. It was surgically implanted and has a catheter attached so that anything they need to inject me with goes through that. No more sticking me with needles. It hurts, but in the long run it's worth it. Chemo can damage muscle and tissue, this helps get the the to the source quicker with the least amount of damage. **DISCLAIMER** Not a med professional, just a 30 year old with cancer that is reiterating what she's told.

  I'm not being a baby about it though. It's kind of funny, my mom and Javi were like oh let me help and I'm adamant about doing it my DAMN SELF. Can't get lazy in  my current state. I'm going to reconfirm with my doctor that I can do couch to 5k outside (she was iffy about me going in a gym with all the people and germs) starting over again at day 1. Let's see what she says. I can also do Zumba from the courtesy of my house which will be good. I want to at least do 45 min of something physical 3-5 times a day. My biggest enemy will be fatigue, so I'm really hoping that I'm strong enough.

No more dairy (hormones)
Chemical free free range chicken
Green smoothies
Protein shakes
Fresh caught fish
No foods with additives.

Trying this out....the next week is touch an go as I could experience anything. From black nails falling off, to hair loss, to vomiting all over my danm self.

People have been asking what they can do for us during this time and I finally broke down and came up with  a list with the help of my onology team and  a fellow cancer survivor.

WAYS TO HELP BOOB CHICA AND HER FAMILY

1. Prayer

2. Warm blankets and super soft socks would be appreciated

3. Silk head covers/silk pillow cases/pillows 

4. Super warm and comfy hats and headbands. 

5. You can donate to my chemo cold cap account to help me prevent losing my hair. http://www.chemocoldcaps.com/donate.html (Recipient name Vivian Mijares)

6. Since  I will be eating clean, gift cards to supermarkets are a great idea.

7. I am in need of walking buddies!!

8. Stop by and say hello, just be sure to call a few hours before, I may be having on off day or sleeping. 

9. Chemo buddy-my chemo days are Wednesday at 9, let me know if you want to come TURN UP!

10. Please act as if I just got a new haircut when you see I have my wig/ don't draw attention to them...thanks.
11 Text often, calling is great too but with being so overhwelmed sometimes you don't want to talk.

And we're OFF...Like a prom dress

Oncology appointment was today, port tomorrow, first chemo sesh Wednesday. I've got a journey ahead of me so let me just break it down using bullet points...ahhhhhhh I feel like I'm doing a grad school presentation again.

• I have invasive ductal carcinoma in my right boob
• Port goes in tomorrow
• I need 6 sessions of chemo once every three weeks starting Wednesday
• I am going to be undergoing a double mastectomy after chemo (don't debate me on this)
• Going to undergo reconstruction after the mastectomy

Girl you are only 30 why do you have it? Cause I do! Stop asking why and how and tearing up and start touching your tits and getting your early detection on bitches!

So I am a fan of my oncologist, she wanted to talk about freezing eggs and blah blah blah, but I have no time for that, gimmie my treatment and give it to me now! I'm not one for somantics or bullshit, I'm sure she counsels several women, crying, on the floor, wondering why this happened to them. I went through all that drama last week from the comfort of my own couch so I'm ready to get my ass kicking on. Freezing my eggs would have postponed my treatment three weeks and with there being a less than 10% chance of infertility due to chemo, I opted for the chemo ASAP option. I'll be on a drug that will put my ovaries in a dormant state so I won't ovulate or get a period (holla for silver linings) for the next couple of months.

Funny/not funny/me losing my cool story. So a hospital where I was suppose to receive my scans called me this morning to schedule my appointments for some scans I already had scheduled for tomorrow. Me "Oh, I'm already to have x,y,and z done tomorrow at blah o'clock." Lady: "Oh no you don't, I'm calling to schedule that now." Me "This appointment was made Wednesday of last week, are you the radiology office and blah blah blah hospital?" Dumb lady "yes." After some back and forth, she realizes I've already been scheduled. Please do not tell me what I do and do not have scheduled, I'm fully aware. I fuck up when it comes to things like:

1. Did I put underwear on this morning?

Cowboys, you let us down yesterday!

2. Did I put deodorant on this morning?

3. I have no idea where my drivers licence/wallet/chongo/birthcontrol pills/fav wine glass is.

4. Trash day, which trash isn't even my job (JAVIER), but it is something I f up on from time to time

While at my oncology appointment the booking girl starts freaking out....seems like my breast surgeons office CANCELLED my appointments for tomorrow AFTER I confirmed with the dumb lady on the phone. She was working me in for another sono of my heart and a port and now had to schedule me for like 3 extra scans so I could start chemo Wednesday. Why would they cancel me? I mean how frustrating is that? Onc came through and got me scheduled tomorrow for everything and a bone scan on Thurs, but you know I had to go like a psycho to my other doctors office to the B who cancelled my appointment. She was scared to show her face, don't know why? Perhaps it's because I was already rolling up my sleeves prepared to deck a bitch! LOL I digress, should have totally taken my Xanax this morning, Xanax saves stupid peoples lives!

Lord I apologize for losing my cool, grant me the strength of patience, I'm short on that! Lady you screwed up, you know not what you do and I forgive you. I'm sorry I got mad at you and that I used foul language...you'll get over it! Everything is going do fast, I'm starting to really freak out! So that's my update, please continue praying for me and for my totally awesome hubs!

Tits for Days

I've had a love hate relationship with my tits breasts since el peo de Atanacio. For all you folk who are not reppin' the isla, that's a long time. I went through puberty early, with my menses making it's debut at about 10 years of age. Yes it sucked. I was the first defender on my soccer team with a bra, the first 50 m fly sprinter on my swim team that HATED wearing a competition suit because the fellas were more than apparent, but most importantly I was rocking at least a B cup by my 5th grade graduation. MEH! That was the start of my tits for days.

For all you flat chested chicas you really can't relate to someone who literally has (and will always be) a member of the big titty committee. The struggle to find the right bra, and NO Victorias Secret didn't have NOTHIN' for me. The back pain, the going up in a dress size/shirt size then having to figure out what to do with the shirt/dress fitting everywhere else. It's always been a complete nightmare. With large breasts comes great responsibility...hahaha that's probably the stupidest thing I've ever said....or is it? Who am I kidding? These bad boys have gotten me dates, free dinners, countless drinks (and not those cheap wells drinks, I'm talking $15 top shelf martinis), and my fair share of attention. But I digress....back to big breasts=great responsibility...

My boobs looking RIGHT on my wedding day!

Studies have shown that women with larger breasts have denser breast tissue. Now, this doesn't mean that if you are rockin' A's that you don't have dense breast tissue, it also doesn't necessarily mean that if you are rockin' F's like me that you do. HOWEVER, if you have dense breasts (as I do) it is much harder to detect your cancer than those that do not have dense breasts. Size at times is an indicator, but not ALL the time.

 **DISCLAIMER** I am not a medical professional, I'm simply reiterating what was articulated to me by DFW's finest breast cancer team. Don't jump up my ass because what you read in some pastel doctors office contradicts what I just said, in fact, don't ever jump up my ass for anything I say! Disclaimer over.

My lump was palpable, so I knew something was there. Went for the mammo and immediately after I saw that something was there for real for real and not for fake, but the CRAZIEST thing of all was that even though my 2cm tumor showed from side shots of both my mammogram and PET scan mammogram from the top view showed NOTHING but dense breast tissue. Now ain't that some shit?! If there had been no lump, it would have most likely never shown up on a scan. Now all of this talk of lump, and 2cm, and what not is in reference to my right breast. Absolutely positively nothing has shown up in my left; however, science isn't what it needs to be and because of my dense breast tissue it doesn't mean that there isn't anything there. Even with mammos/PET scans every six months there is NO GUARANTEE that they would be able to catch cancer if it were to develop in my left. Dense breast tissue is a mofo which is why I am opting for the double mastectomy with reconstruction. OMG Boob Chica what about your future babies, aren't you going to breast feed? Well apparently no I'm fucking not, and as creeped out as milk banks make me and as much as I think the formula people rip off women it is what it is. OMG Boob Chica aren't you too young to mutilate your body? Um yes and no. See I don't look at it as mutilation, I look at it as a life saving procedure that comes with an upgrade :) and if girls get tits for their 18th birthday then I can get them for my damn 30-ish! Also, unless you are in my shoes you don't get a vote. Notice it's always the people who aren't walking in your Coach flats that always want to offer their Dollar Tree advice? So annoying. It comes from a good place, I get you mom, dad, and uncle, but I just disagree...and Dollar Tree was a bit harsh!

So important questions/topics for your next annual should be:
1. Discuss family history
2. Discuss genetic testing (testing negative means nada, so don't go off of that only 1 in 10 of those with breast cancer test positive)
3. Ask your doctor if you have dense breasts and if the answer is a potential yes start your screenings early!

Also if a lump shows up regardless of whatever time of the month it is just go in and get it checked by a radiologist IMMEDIATELY!

Don't Say You Are my Friend... ACT LIKE ONE

Bitch where have you been!?

So many of you have been wondering what I have been up to. "Girl what's up we haven't seen you at work, blah blah blah." Well, it's a complicated process really.

Think of it as the paparazzi, except it's doctors calling you to see if you can come in so that they can get a piece of you (literally) for appointments, blood tests, scans, counseling, feeling you up....like now. It's a very "fuck yo job" mentality bitch, we need you to come in like now. You know when you are scheduling your annual gyno or dental appointments and some busty blond asks "Does 3:15 on the 7th work well for you?" Well when it's C of the titty they are like we will see your bitch ass in two hours and I hope you haven't eaten anything. I had something scheduled every day this week, starting from D day this past Monday (diagnosis day) where I left work early and was immediately seen/scheduled by the breast team. I got to fill out paperwork early and errythang. The positive is that people have been friendly, which has helped. Also please understand that I am exhausted, not sleeping well, and oh yeah, mentally preparing for battle so I don't have a whole lot of energy for half days or even putting in two hours and running out to the doctor to get the equivalent of an emotional beat down.

Sigh, my boobs look great here

Now everyone thinks they know how they would respond but the fact is you don't. Most important, fighting for my life and getting healthy again through the help of God, my faith, my doctors, and my husband. Number two is looking as fabulous as possible while fighting for my life and getting healthy again. Seriously. Don't laugh. I still want to be me! This is Dallas, and when you are a Cuban living in Dallas you have a certain look to maintain. Double mastectomy or not, chemo or not, I need to remain a diva. Yes burn the hell out of my insides and mutilate my body, but don't expect me to give up my lashes, my nails, my hair, my Eminence skin care line, or my MAC boo! Sigh, some of the losses will be inevitable, but one thing I want people to understand is how I feel on the outside will help me feel better on the inside, while I'm frying like bacon and kicking some serious ass. My boobs don't make me me, neither does my hair, but I'll admit...it helps.

Not everyone knows my situation, it's a need to know. If I haven't told you, then you don't fucking need to know! You have this link to my blog because I love you. Most Family don't have it, "friends" don't have it, but you do and that is not by accident. See, I realized through wedding planning that I have some bad ass friends, family, and an AWESOME MAN. People drove hours to host a shower, my parents and uncle forked over chingos of cash, people listened for hours while I cried on the phone, coworkers made me laugh through the drama, my church team that prayed for me, but those who should have been there for me were not...and that's FINE! DIVA SNAP and a middle finger to you! I get that you thought that it was about you,  who you could invite, and I get that you will try to act as if my situation is a chance for you to come in and "fake" be sad and "fake" be there for me and my hubby, but I see you boo, and I don't need it or you. All support ain't good support.

 Thank you all for asking me what can you do for me, unfortunately, not much right now but pray, especially to St. Agatha and St. Peregrine (big ups to my fellow Catholics), God works just as well too haha.

Well, that's more background on me and my stance on things. Thank you for not just saying you are my friend, but truly acting like a friend. I appreciate that so much. Chemo should start next week with surgery coming in about a month or so. Tomorrow I'd like to talk to you about my decision for a double mastectomy so that you understand what that is and why I've decided already to make that step at age 30. Thanks for helping me keep the faith! Feel the boobies daily! That goes for you men too, you aren't immune!

And so it begins...at 30

Photo Cred Brad and Monica Photography

Beauty. Narcissism at it's FINEST! I figure that I've earned it. See beauty is a thing that goes unseen outwardly speaking yet seeps out from the soul, suppresses evil, and is truly dragged out of one by love of another (also known as my hubby), so if you don't mind, I'm keeping that moniker <insert diva hair flip here>

Enough about my gone with the WIND fabulousness....twirl

I found a lump in my right boob 4 days shy of our 6 month wedding anniversary. I'm really bad at anniversaries, I only remember it because it was Javi's birthday weekend. When you are a 34F (all natural bitches, don't hate) you don't do self breast exams, you have relations and down right accost your chi chi's...as in squeezing them like a masochist into bras, tops, and dresses. With the constant sucking in, clutching, taping, and barely breathing I've gotten to know Bill and Ted on a personal level...I mean we're friggin related. So as I felt myself up in the shower that morning, I knew something was up. I awoke the hubby, annoyed, thinking I was a psycho, but after some forced foreplay (which he really didn't enjoy lol) he felt it to.

ENTER freak out

Go to work....KYM feel my boob, Alyson feel my boob....they felt it. Call the Dr urgently "SOCCCCOOOORRROOOOOOO" I felt a lump, yes I am two weeks out from my period....oh you mean that's normal? Call back after my cycle...ok. Phew, I over reacted, I tend to do that! Two weeks later, still a lump, call him, can you come in on Tuesday, HELL TO THE YES! I'm here. Ahhhhh Dr. Monier, so calm, so cute, and yes I will show you where the lump is. He feels it, like a peanut or small grape (depending on whether you like those genetically altered mega grapes or not. So me, like a psycho, ask him to aspirate that mofo. I'm a doctors dream, he obliged...nothing came out. SHIT. I thought SHIT SHIT SHIT. He says "no worries that doesn't mean anything, could be fatty." He refers me to radiology. Ugh do you realize you just called me fat? He laughs...got humor for days!

Enter Solis Mammography, super nice ladies! Just went for an ultrasound aspirated blah blah blah except for, that MOFO WAS SOLID. Ugh damn, kept getting worse! Got a mammo, some squeezing, but nothing I haven't experienced after a night of a lot of crown and seven if ya know what I mean! Then I see it, that grape/peanut staring at me in the face as my radiologist says I'm going to need a core biopsy to rule out cancer. UGGGGHHHHHHH for real? I've already canceled like two Tuesday afternoon tutoring and now this!? I walked out, lied to my mom that things were fine and went home to talk to my hubby about what was REALLY going on.

Back two days later for a core biopsy.....needle through the peanut, ouch, snip, click, snip, click, marker left, y ya! Instant melt down.....INSTANT! Not in the office (of course, mama didn't raise no sissy), but when I got home it was awful! It wasn't right how I could only have Tylenol and PS stress lead to my period coming SUPER SUPER EARLY.

So....it's cancer. Yes. Cancer. No I'm not getting into specifics, but chemo is necessary and due to my dense breast tissue (which I will get into at a later event) I'm going big with a double mastectomy (which I will also talk about at a later date).

To my friends, I'm sorry, I'm sorry I didn't call, I'm sorry I didn't text, but life has been...scary. Thank God for faith, it lessens my fear. The purpose of this blog is one thing and one thing only.

GET TESTED EARLY. Yes, I was only suppose to go starting at age 35, even with a strong family history..but you know what THAT'S THAT BULLSHIT! If you want a mammo, go get it! If you don't feel your boobs, FEEL THEM! Early detection is key so squish those bad boys!

Peace and empanada grease and feel those boobs!