Taste and See

Chucking chemo the deuce! BYE FELICIA!

Today was my last dense chemo....well, better make that yesterday. Chemo insomnia is the greatest...NOT! It's like walking the plank, too scared to jump so you just stand there bobbing along with the water. Waiting...waiting for either the pirate to force you off or for you to take one giant leap of faith. I'm here waiting...waiting to throw up and feel the burn or ya know...not.

Chemo today was fun! Wildn' out with my chemo buddies. It's always a #turnup when Angelique is involved. The line of the day has to have been, "If you're having relationship problems I feel bad for you son, but my wife has cancer...bitch." LOL hahahahaha I laugh so hard just replaying it in my mind. Thanks girl! I was awarded with a trophy by Angie, t shirt by Texas Onc, ballons from my sister, and given a beautiful Origami Owl necklace by Lawren. The words in your cards were so heartfelt. Want to see who your real friends are...get cancer, it's a blessing and a curse. The cream rises to the the top while the rest of the world is just...meh. Javi and my mom provided the snacks and faux bubbly. TRAILER CAKES! How Javi discovered this place is beyond me, but thank you babe....NOM NOM NOMERIFIC! Mom's sandwiches and "drank" were a hit. From nurses and doctors to fellow chemo victims like me, it was cool to see more smiles and happiness than pain. Laughing filled the room where I had previously witnessed despair....tears and even my dehydrated ass vomiting in a corner. It made me feel like I was playing hooky from work rather than getting that essential poison healing. LOL.

My brother showed up. It annoyed me. He showed up for himself and not for me. Like that liar and murderer who calls for a priest on their deathbed so they can say their confession to clear their conscience. I'm not a fucking priest, so don't waste my time. And don't put moms sandwhiches and Javi's gourmet cupcake in a ziploc bag and leave all suspect, it makes you look like you came to chemo for the food....ahhhhhh so that's why he came. Cancer or not, I don't do fake well...at all.

I'm stockpiling weave...look
at my future hair style for summa!

Breast friends (my fellow sisters in boob) posed a question two days ago. What song has been your saving grace during chemo/cancer/boob removal/vomit fest/hellfire/boob reattachment? Mine go from one extreme to the other. The story of my life has always been Hopeful...by Twista of all people. Words so important from somewhere you wouldn't expect, words that will probably find themselves tattooed on my body one day...they saved my ass through loss, breakup, lie, cheat, pain, through despair...chemo honestly was a breeze after all that.

Cuz I'm hopeful, yes I am hopeful for today
Take this music and use it, let it take you away
and be hopeful, hopeful, and He'll make a way
I know it ain't easy, but that's ok
Let's be hopeful.

Hope is what divides the men from the boys, and always has to me. No matter what situation we find ourselves in it is the keystone that gets us through. I'm reminded of my namesake, a woman I never met because she died 20 years before I was born. My grandmother (paternal) use to say "He who has little shall have less, and even that will be taken from him." In stark contrast to my grandmother, I'm not a Bible verse kind of gal, it's not my style, but I do know that my grandmother was reverencing Matthew, and not in the way people think. Who has little? The spiritually bankrupt. If you go through life spiritually bankrupt, you will lose the gifts God has bestowed upon you to help mankind. It's a total if you don't use it, ya lose it. You are given the gifts of faith, hope, and love from birth, from life experience, from wherever. You can foster it...or you can let it die, the choice is yours. My gift, joy. I'm a happy person. I spread that shit to the world the best I can, even now, even though I talk some MAD SHIT I'm happy like a room without a roof. If I chose not to be, God will take that from me because I am not deserving. So funny that This song reminds me of this fact. Even funnier that a woman I never met reached out to me in the midst of my physical pain to remind me of the overall picture. Run tell that!

I have digressed immensely.

Psalm 34 was chosen as a responsorial psalm at our wedding. It's my favorite. Here is why:

Taste and see
Taste and see
The goodness of the Lord
O taste and see
Taste and see
The goodness of the Lord

<enter my fav rendition of my fav part>

Glorify the Lord with me
Together let us all praise Gods name
I cried to the Lord, have mercy on me
from all of my troubles I was set free

See bolded. This is why it's my favorite rendition...I cried out to the Lord. And the choir sings it southern Gospel style. Damn have I done a whole lot of that lately...crying out begging for help. Always on my knees, penitent, and He has heard me. Even in pain. Hope doesn't mean you are excused from the pain, it means that you know you won't be in pain forever. Pain...such an important and necessary part of life. It knocks you on your ass, not a bad thing. I find the view from your ass is a lot clearer than from the tallest mountain top. BELIEVE THAT.