We were married April 6th, 2013
I was diagnosed November 3rd, 2013
Like who the fuck does that? Really? Who gets diagnosed with breast cancer 7 months after they get married. Well if you ask me only the totally awesome people do! Ha! God my ass in that dress...perfection! I think Kim K saw me in my dress and mantilla veil and wanted to get her some of that. At least that's what I'm going to tell myself.
So here are a list of the things we did to keep things relatively smooth during our first year of marriage and through our cancer diagnosis, because in a marriage you don't do things solo.
1. Keep it light. Cancer is hard enough, why make it harder? We tried to do the things that were fun (that I could still do) like watching movies at home, netflix marathons, and sporting events. I remember having fight night and just laying down on the couch! Just because you are faced with a life threatening illness DOES NOT mean the fun or laughing should stop. Remember your limitations and maintain a healthy lifestyle. And for the love of Pete LAUGH LAUGH LAUGH!
2. Remember that cancer does not just effect you. Give your spouse the time they need to ask questions and talk about it as well as give them space and time to cope. My spouse and I came up with a plan for him to have a guys night right before my next dense chemo (aka before shit got real). This gave him a chance to get out of the house, hang out with his friends, talk about guy shit, talk about me, and just have a sense of normalcy.
3. Keep up your appearance. Damn as I type that sounded so damn silly. It does, I mean it SOUNDS silly but it doesn't. I couldn't get facials, my face was literally falling apart, but as I lost lashes I continued to get eyelash extensions. As I lost brows I Learned how to paint them on. Eventually, when I lost all of my brows and lashes three weeks after my last chemo I learned how to glue on strips. Looking good helps you feel good, feeling good makes you happy, happy wife happy life!
4. Let your spouse continue with as many normal activities as possible. Work and gym are two things that were essential to the hubby maintaining his level of happiness, so he would do his thing. Now after chemo when we both gained about 30 pounds we also teamed up to lose it together. There are two many women that become complacent with their weight after cancer. Extra poundage only leads to an unhealthy life and I wasn't about to let this speed bump fuck us up in the future.
5. Try to leave the house as much as possible. I remember after round 3 us going to birthday party. I was so excited I put on the last remaining pair of tights that actually fit, getting my makeup done at MAC, putting on a wig and just having fun. He drank and ate, I focused on not passing out at the table or puking and we had a nice normal night out. Shit I even won $200 in a dance of....really who loses to the girl that's going through chemo! Those other chicks should have been so ashamed! So the long of the short is, once in a while go out and try to have a little fun!
*Stay away from areas with poor air circulation that are germ ridden!
6. Have people help with cooking, grocery shopping, and cleaning. Eventually I hit the point where I could do none of the above and the house really suffered. Cleaning for a Reason is an organization that offers a complimentary maid service once a month for four months. Also my mom was a huge help with cleaning, cooking, and grocery shopping. Friends also dropped off meals, that was very much appreciated. My hubby also would spend a few hours on the weekend doing laundry and keeping up the house. It was hard but we made it!
7. Show as much appreciation when you can. I remember those nights I was up all night...which led him to be up all night. I felt so bad! Times where I would yell for help from the bathroom only to have him find puke everywhere. You have GOT to remember to truly appreciate and thank your spouse for this. I remember after chemo was over giving him a "we survived chemo," gift. He really deserved those Beats by Dre and while they were pricey, it was a token of my appreciation and a thanks for cleaning up my puke and other bodily fluids gift that he will no doubt enjoy! Kind words, texts, cards, and letters are equally as important. Don't forget, you are not in this alone.
8. When I started to feel better (two and a half months after my last chemo I started making it through the day without two naps....FACT) I started doing some light cleaning and cooking. I think he really appreciated his planned lunches and dinners for work, as well as snacks. It's important that when able, to return to some bit of normalcy. I used to do it before so I started it up again. Make sure not to over do it!
9. Date nights need to continue, even if they are at home. Whether it's just a walk around the block (or even just four houses down), a takeout dinner, or a relaxing bubble bath make sure that you make time together. No electronic devices, no texting, no facebooking, just the two of you talking about none cancer related stuff. How was your day? OMG did you hear about Kimye? Can you believe it's going to snow this week? NORMAL SHIT! Not about how your right drain is 50cc's or how your incision is oozing. There is a time and place and make sure it's not all chemo/cancer/no titty talk all the time. SERIOUSLY!
10. Last, but certainly not least, even though you are going through this time you must remember that time DOES NOT stand still. You won't get these days back and you must fake it till you make it. Holidays, they will happen. Birthdays, they will happen. Beautiful days, they will happen....hopefully! As these sunbursts of joy happen be sure to realize them and celebrate them. I've read of countless people shutting down during the big C, don't waste your days being sad, not decorating, not celebrating, not smiling. It's not worth it. You won't get these days back. I remember during chemo being so sick but still adamant that the Christmas decor needed to be up. Frantically making sure that Thanksgiving went off without a hitch was very important. Don't become a recluse, you are still here, make the most of this shitty situation. Keep the faith and the strength, days will be hard but mind over matter. You can do what you allow yourself to do. If you allow yourself to be happy, you'll be happy. If you insist on being sad you'll be miserable and your spouse will be miserable too. And hun ain't nobody got time for that!
The best part about being diagnosed with cancer at 30 (and yes there are countless positives) is that you truly realize the importance of living life to the fullest. So do it dammit! Keep it fun, keep it light, realize that shit (both figurative and literal) and puke happens and just keep it rolling. Yes times will be hard, yes times will be filled with sorrow but as long as it ain't chemo you will be fine!
